In a nutshell...

So we didn't end up going to Dead Heaven. It would have been nice to go, but it was like SUPER windy out. So Chiara called Michael and told him not to bother to come.

I signed up for Netflix. So basically, we all were up like we went to the club because we ended up going to bed at 5am!

The next day, I got ready and packed my bags and went over by Paula's. We (including Al - but he left early) went to Salvation and met Chiara and JP there. Moreno came later. It was good, a little stuffy and packed but music is always good. Then went back to Paula's and slept over. It was nice to have girl bonding time with her.

The next day, Rob came over her place to drop off some stuff. It's good that they're friends again. So we decided to walk to a diner and have late lunch. I went to my mom's house to hang out with her and watch the Oscar's for a bit. Seeing James Franco host it, makes me melt. Also, despressing because I want someone who looks like him in my life, HA. Yeah, like that's freakin possible.

I got home late because I left Flushing around 10ish. I may go to Evita's birthday next week with mum, but Uncle Adam is taking her. And I'm skeptial around him.

To be honest, Eva, Evita and Milena always call me when they come to Queens asking me to hang out. This time, I'll make the effort to go see them. So Saturday night is set. Friday- I'm thinking Netflix?

My life is such a freakin bore :(

It's Friday!

So last night, like totally out of the blue Jeremy texted me to come to LIT. I told him I would ask my friends, who weren't in the mood to go out really. After having told him that, he texts me back and says "I would love to see you :) You can hang with me in DJ booth and get one drink."

I bit the bullet. What the hell did I have to lose. I wanted to do something fun. So I changed outta my PJ's, freshened up and went cabbed it to LIT. It was drizzling and windy.

Got there at 12am. I said I would only stay to here him play one set. As soon as I went downstairs, we locked eyes and he smiled. I mentioned with my hand that I was going to get a drink. So I did. Then instead of going into the DJ booth, I sat in front of the elevated couch in front of him. He smiled and grabbed my hand and said "Thank you so much for coming."

Now this is the thing, I don't know whether he's gay or bisexual. Maybe metro?

Well, in the middle of his set he got two shots shots for us (gave me the one with less, because he knows I had to work the next day). Super sweet guy. I got up, danced a song or two and went to sit back down by him.

He reached over and ruffled my hair (in a cute way) saying thanks for coming again. His set had ended and another DJ came on and here's the thing....I didn't see him anywhere. Whatever. So I paced around, then went upstairs.

I started talking to the bouncer. (Funny thing how I knew him. Went to LIT mths ago with Monica, Chiara and Z. Z got totally drunk and grabbed on his tattoo. She was too drunk they didn't even let her in.) He was like "That was YOUR friend!" He was sorta hitting on me, but just talking for shits and giggles. Very sweet guy. His name is Rahim. So after him helping me rip my zipper which was stuck to my bag open, I attempted to look for Jeremy downstairs to say bye. Couldn't find him. Went back up stairs and said bye to Rahim then cabbed it home. Can't believe I spent $21 in cab money to go to LIT for what.....? Eye candy.

Eh whatever. I texted him in the cab and he texted back "it was a pleasure seeing me :)" Got home at 2am and as usual, late for work.

Monday new start. Tonight is Dead Heaven, new party on 14th Street. Maybe I'll check it out.

I'll think about it....

Well...

I cut my bangs last night. I was trying to go for the Anne Hathaway look from the movie The Devil Wears Prada. I'm actually proud of myself because I didn't do it thick, like Lady Gaga, which normally ends up happening when I get it done.

I'm trying to go for a look that will be fitting to my face, since it's oblong and I hate it. So far so good. Next to work on? A sexy wardrobe!

Work came and went. I totally need to get my taxes done. I'm like really slacking. As of tomorrow, I'll call the tax place and go first thing Saturday morning.

Got home, washed my hair and lounged around. Maybe it was my mind, but I got the feeling that Chiara wasn't in the mood today? Her remarks were pretty snippy. Well, when I asked for Chris's ring back, she held it for a while. She got like really happy. This is a good thing?

Hopefully it lasts. I hate tension between friends and myself. On the other hand, I've been browsing apartments. Maybe by the end 0f this Summer I'll move out. I know Chiara is doing me a favor and she's super sweet for helping me out but eventually I'll need to be on my own. Maybe, venture out. Meet new roommates. Do my own thing.

But I totally need to save money and pay off some bills in order to do so.

In due time Mary, in due time....

Just another day.

I slept over mum's house last night and went to work from her.

As I was looking through Facebook, I came across Erik Aengel's tagged photos. A sense of feeling of myself being lost because I saw a picture with him and his ex. Although I know he's not with her, it's obvious he cares so deeply for her. Then it dawned on me....

I don't have anyone to care for me in that way.

I used to, but I pushed him away. I pushed him away into the arms of another woman, in which I wanted because I couldn't make him happy but I sacrificed being alone forever for his happiness. I did the right thing right? I would like to think that I did.

But where does that leave me? Life isn't boring because I have great friends in it, but romantically I would like to be cared for in some way or another. I feel sad a lot of the times. For each time I see how happy a couple is with each other, I tell myself that one day, that will be me but...when?

I texted my friend Daniel (from JHS) last night, because I told myself beggars can't be choosers. He is an attractive guy, but my style not really? Then again, Rob wasn't my type when I met him....he eventually changed.

I just feel so clueless when it comes to dating. Like, I may seem intimidating but inside....I'm the one who's afraid and should be.

I'll text him and see what he's up too. You know, periodically. And I guess I'll just take it from there.

4 day weekend - Came and went

I went to the Red Party with Chiara and Paula Friday night. I canceled on the ski-trip because to be honest, I couldn't really afford it.

It was a good night. Danced a lot. Paula and Rob were fighting that night and Paula wanted to go out. Guess who decided to show up? She didn't even tell Rob she was coming so you can imagine how awkward it was for them to see each other. Paula left early. She didn't feel right. Towards the end of the night, Rob and I were talking. And it turns out, he was decided to cut it loose with Paula. He told me he felt like he couldn't fall in love with her. It hurt me to hear him say that, because yes, I want the two of them to be happy but if it's not with each other I guess something has to be done.

I didn't tell Paula when I got home that night, instead I waiting until the next morning to tell her. She was a little depressed. I wish there was something I could do to not make her feel that way, but waking up on Saturday I felt like I had a hangover. And I didn't even drink!

I woke up with the worst headache and nauseous feeling ever. After I got off the phone with Paula, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Chiara ordered food online and I got a tuna melt and fries. I just wanted to sleep. And exactly what I did, while her and Moreno watched Dr. Who, I slept for 12 hrs straight. I woke up at 2:30am to Chiara making brownies. I love her randomness!

Anyways, I washed my face and grabbed a brownie with a bottle of water. Me and her talked for a bit before I decided to lay back down. My body was aching me, but I said I would sleep it out. I woke up at 9am feeling so refreshed.

Chiara was getting ready with Moreno to meet with Sebastian (another headache of Chiara's) to a museum. She did ask me to go the night before, because she didn't want him to get the idea that it was a "date" but I told her I would stay in, clean up the house a bit and relax, because she did say she wanted to go to the Redrum Ball/Smiths Party.

I ended up meeting with Paula for Thai and she showed me her apartment. I know what its like being alone and having your own place, so I offered her my company. We watched the Devil Wears Prada on her laptop. I asked her to if she wanted to come out and she told me she didn't want to stay in, so she got ready and came back to my place.

Chiara was telling us about her "horrible" day with Sebastian. As they talked and talked, I was getting cold so I went under covers. It was about 12am. Although we had to meet with some colleagues from work at brunch the following morning, we decided to not go out.

Paula texted me when she got home and I went straight to bed. Because brunch was in Flushing, I decided I would spend the night here by mum and go to work from here. Met Paula on the 7 train and met up with Paul, Federico, Flora, Anthony, Dolly, Christian, his wife and yes....anti-social Safi. Had a wonderful time, sharing some laughs and trying new food.

Everyone parted and I came here to my mum's. I'll be going to work from here. I actually miss work.

Sadly it's all I have going for me right now.
I feel so alone.
I don't want to become bitter, but the taste off my tongue is tasting like misery.

I hope this goes away....and very soon.

And so it goes on...

Well, this is comforting.

A guy I used to kick it with, back when I was living with my roommate in Queens, is in a relationship. Why am I surprised? Well, of course I was attracted to this guy. He's Italian and Hispanic. His uncle used to to DJ at a local bar that I used to go to, hence how I've met him. He turned out to be a complete douche bag. He would ask me to hang out and his idea of a date was parking up in a dark spot and making out with me. He always wanted more, but my gut didn't have it in me to do it? Self respect? Whatever it may be.

The last time I did see him, we went to a Spanish bar with a couple of his friends (all guys). You would NOT believe, he kept buying me drinks an d I got totally wasted. Meanwhile, he was chatting up a storm with another girl and dancing with her in front of my face. His friend then proceeded to hit on me. I remember crying out of that bar and cabbing it to Chemistry where all my friends were. Stupid of me to think he would take me serious, he's now in a relationship with someone else! Ha, good riddance asshole. You can be someone else's problem now.

Anyways, yesterday was Flora and Hana's farewell at Bull's Head bar. The whole office was there, even Juan from Red Hawk. We sat and taaaalked before he left. I thought I was the only person to connect with someone besides Chiara and Chris based on energy but he is so insightful. I always felt he had an attraction for me, but isn't that how most guys are? Always flattering women. PLUS he used to married to a girl in our office. So, yeah...no. But something about him last night BLEW my mind. I won't put any thought into it. If the universe brings it to me, so be it.

I left Bull Head around 8ish to meet my roommates and JP at St. Marks. We had burgers then sat at a cafe before going to LIT dancing the night away. Saw Jeremy. I can't tell whether that guy is straight bi. Either way, he's hot. The thing is, gay guys are always drawn to me. Or maybe I feel that way, I don't know.

We walked all the way home, talking by the Hudson River. It's so nice having Chiara there. She's such a wonderful person. It took us about 40 min walking home. And MAN were my legs killing me, but it was so gorgeous out!

I decided I want to live my life without an expectation. I want so much to be with someone, but until I find that 'click' with someone, then I'll allow myself to feel. I won't settle. I'll just let the universe bring it to me.

In Retrospect.

It's been approximately 2 years and 6 months today since I decided to post an entry. Looking back at my previous posts I don't get why I've allowed myself to stress over the littlest things. I guess I'm still continuing to climb up that ladder.

My ex-boy friend Rob eventually got into another relationship. Granted I did care for him, but just not in that way that "lovers" do. So I'm actually pretty much happy that he found someone he can share that with. I know he has a lot to give, I just didn't have enough in me to return it back because in the beginning I was the one fighting to keep it together. I harbor no hate from this. I genuinely hope he's happy because I wasn't able to give it back to him.

Which has led me to where I am now. Stuck. In the middle of no where. My sense of direction is lost. Encountered many hookups, flings but none with the full potential of a relationship. I found myself to be comfortably numb after so long. I love the fact that I am fully capable of controlling my feelings, but I think it's gotten to this point when I'm the creator of the block in my roads.

I've met a few guys who have it all together but I stopped pursuing them. I stopped calling them. I didn't have a lust for a relationship at times. But when I'm surrounded by friends who are with their spouses, I do.

As much as I want a relationship, it scares me to the brink that my happiness would be with one person....and one day, at any given moment, our hearts can change the way it feels.

I'm indeed grateful for the 4 years I been with Rob, because it's taught me a lot. I do miss what we have at times but I know he wasn't for me. I regret how I treated him at times. Pushing him away when he wanted to be intimate, getting up in the middle of the night to get me things to drinks, run to the store to get me feminine needs....all this makes me so sad. Because he always tried to save what we had in the end by saying, "Why are you letting this go? Don't you understand how hard it is to find someone that will care for you?"

It's hitting me now. It's hurting and it burns.

But I've moved out of Queens. I live with Chiara and her friend Moerno from Italy in Battery Park, Manhattan. I've been hitting the Goth scene pretty hard and it's sucked me in. I don't know where I would be without her though. She's helping me out so much by letting me pay half of what I was paying in Queens and the commute to work is only 20 minutes. She's very spiritual and helpful in a sense that she teachs me to control my energy.

To get out of it, she signed both of us up for bellydancing classes. We still have yet to pick the dates but we'll discuss it soon. We go out periodically and I love every moment of it, because I can wear black and be dramatic without the looks and stares from the guys in Queens.

At the end of the day, I just want someone to kick it with though. But maybe I need to keep myself occupied. Hopefully it will all fall into place.

Only time will tell....