I know I haven't updated in a while, but I promise to be more consistent. Life caught up and to be honest, I just got lazy. Let's take it from this past weekend:

Friday after work, I went for happy hour with Paula, Chris and Raquel. Because of Chris's situation with Princeton House and Brownstone Lane, we decided to take him for a few drinks. On the way home, I decided to stay in. I watched a movie on Netflix then went to bed. Chiara went to the Red Party for a little bit but came home early.

Saturday morning I had an appointment with Paula at the spa in Astoria. Her boyfriend got her a massage package for her birthday. I decided to meet up with her and while she was getting her massage, I decided to get a mani and pedi. By the time she was out, we called Rachel (comic book Rachel) to come meet us for brunch.

Rachel took us to this fantastic Italian spot in Astoria. It was called Il Bambino. I'll defiantly plan to go back soon.

After brunch, we went to Ricky's and did a little shopping then we all split off to head home. On the way home, Matty texts me. He asked me if I was hangin. I really wanted to see him. I told him I wanted to go home, relax, shower off then head out to Williamsburg where he lives. As I was getting ready, around 10:30ish, he told me he had friends over and told me to come over. Paula had text me and told me she was in the area with Rob. So I decided to meet with them for a bit then meet Matty later, as he was still doing his laundry.

I met with Paula and Rob at this rooftop spot called Juliet. It was nice. Right off of Bedford. I texted Matty to let him know I was around. So after one drink, we left Juliet and went to a place called Blackbird. They were playing the Smiths, that's what really drew us in.

Matty ended up coming with both his roomies and his friend from Louisiana. Because I had both set of friends on opposite sides of the bar, I was splitting myself to go back and forth. They found a table, so they didn't bother to come where we were standing by the bar. Whatever.

After a shot of Jameson and a Stella, we decided to walk around. I told Rob and Paula I was leaving. We walked down the block to get Pizza and found no happening spots. The girls wanted to leave and head back home. Matty and I didn't. So we exchanged goodbyes and Matty and I went to a bar around the corner.

I have to say, it was so nice to have him to myself. We were at the bar and I bought him two shots and beer. We both were a little tipsy, sharing laughs and the touchy feely playful jokes came into play. We left the bar around 3ish. Walked down the block with his arm over my shoulder. I had no idea where we were heading, but I had a clue that we'd go back to his place.

The 4 blocks to his house seemed so far, but I guess that's because we were having so much fun just laughing and pushing each other. We like, walked into Duane Reade. For no reason what so ever. It was so funny.

Anyways, before we got to his place, we picked up Coors Light at the corner deli. His roommates were totally knocked out. Matt and I play fought in the kitchen like we were two kids all the way to his room. When we got to his room, he just plotted straight into bed. We were play fighting a bit and got a little close. I was teasing him because he knew I was going to kiss him. He just didn't know when. He kept saying "Kiss me..." I wanted to hear him beg. When I gave in, it was SO OVER. I don't know what happened first. I do know, the lights were on the whole time.

I remember the past two times we hooked up, I wasn't prepared. So I never shaved. This time, I did. As soon as he touched me, he told "OK, this has to come off. I want to taste you right now." It all happened so fast. While he was in me, he told me I was tight. That's a good thing, I supposed. He's so gentle, every moan he kept asking if I was OK. When it was over, I felt so rude because I'm sure I totally knocked out. I woke up with Iggy at the foot of our bed and Matty hugging me.

I missed it so much. Just....him. He's only my friend obviously but I love how he just takes care of me. I was thinking about last night when I woke up and I remember him telling me "Please don't hurt me Mary. I like you a lot. Do you like me???" I hope those were drunk words. But it felt good to know he said it.

I must have used the bathroom like 3 times that morning. I wrapped myself in his towel and joined him in bed. He kept kissing my head and hugging me. When he got up, my hangover totally kicked in. My head was pounding. Matty started drinking a beer, his roomies were up already and they wanted to go to the beach. Matty brought me water and pills. He kept coming in the room to check up on me. The whole time, Iggy was on me. So adorable, his poodle.

Matt convinced me to go to Coney Island with everyone. I felt better once I put my clothes on and did my hair. My makeup still was on, so I was OK. I grabbed an iced coffee at the deli and we headed out. Took the Q train to the last stop.

It was so nice out. Matt looked super hot when he was wet and came out the water to sit next to me. It was a great afternoon, well spent and I'm super glad I went out with them.

Long story short, we stayed there for a bit then headed out to leave. We all lost each other on the way back. So I ended up taking the train myself. I couldn't even call them because my phone was dead! When I got home to charge my phone, I saw Matty left me text. He said "Hey Mary Mary, I'm so sorry! I missed the train with everyone in it and I thought you were with the group. I just found out you're not. Please don't be mad!" I love that he was so considerate. I called him right away to explain what happened and that I got home OK.

I may meet him tomorrow. He lent me $10 to pay for my Daquri. He told me I could get him next time, but by the time next time comes around, I'll forget. And I need to pay him back. I just feel like I do.

Overall, it was a great weekend. I wish I can have more nights like this with him. But I guess it makes it much more special being that its not. For now, I'll leave it be.

Back to work tomorrow, ugh. Time to get some rest, goodnight!

Last minute, last night we (Monica, Chiara, Michael, Erick and Spaz) all decided to go to QXT's. I felt like I wanted to do something punky so guess what? I had Chiara cut the top of my hair into a mohawk. I can't believe I decided to go through with this, but I needed to try something new.

We all got dressed. Erick met us at our apt and Michael came with Spaz and Monica to pick us up. Sometime ago, Chiara left her bottle of Jack in the back of Michael's car. Since it was still there, we all decided to drink it.

Erick got me jack and cokes all night. We went to basement and danced some really good goth. It was super crowded and there were so many people! Good vibes. Good times.

So while I was dancing in the basement, I felt my buzz kicking in. It felt so good. Then I saw him....

Last time I came to QXT's there was a really tall guy, long hair in a pony (hispanic looking) that caught my eye. The way he danced really got me. He was so smooth. I didn't get his name that night, but while I was dancing in the basement he was there by the doorway. It seemed like he was alone for a while (until I saw his friends came later). I was hopping around to all the rooms and decided I would stay on the main floor because they played some really good 80's.

As I was dancing by myself, I saw him get on the dancefloor too. It was obvious that he was into me because the minute he saw me dancing on the dancefloor, he started dancing face to face with me. Erick kept coming along. Like, I love him. He's a my friend, but he talks SO DAMN MUCH. I just want to dance. Not to mention, I didn't want this guy to to go away. I kept trying to push Erick away. Like, doesn't he get it??? Whatever.

After dancing a few songs with him, I decided to ask him for his name. His name is Gabriel and he's from Elizabeth NJ. He was the one to ask me for my number after we chatted for a bit while dancing. He was such a gentleman about it. He said, "So, MaryAnn from Battery Park, would it be ok if I had your number?" I totally accepted. We exchanged numbers as I excused myself to the bathroom.

I came back on the dancefloor and saw they turned the lights on. I was slightly disappointed. I wanted more time to dance with this guy. So the last two songs I danced with Monica and Chiara. We all exited and I said by to Gabriel. He told me he had a good time and would really like to take me out sometime. Somewhere different then here. WOW. I couldn't believe this was happening.

So this guy is 100% pretty boy goth that I like, but I feel so drawn to him. I don't know what it is. I told him I would like that and he told me he drove. I told him to get home safe and I headed back with my friends to NY.

Because parties in NJ ended early, we decided to go to Pyramid. We danced for a bit until it closed. That crazy guy Daniel was there. I guess Spaz had some unfinished business with this guy, because he totally punched him in the face! All I kept hearing was Spaz say get away from me. And after he hit him, he said, "That one's for Bobbie Jean." Bobbie dated Daniel. Daniel isn't right in his head. This guy seriously is a danger to everyone because he's not in his right mind.

Then Jason from Absolution and Spaz had it out. Spaz was blowing him up saying things about Jason's Friday night...etc. I pulled Spaz and walked him around the block. I tried to calm him down. He told me he thought his hand was broken, so I told Chiara to meet us around the block.

Spaz seemed a little better but his hand wasn't. It really must have been a hard punch because Daniel's skin broke and he started bleeding. We all came back to our place. Ordered food and then I went to sleep. I woke up and saw everyone crashed over then went back to sleep to see they all had left.

T'was eventful night, indeed...

Went to Mad River for Benny's bday. I didn't want to tell his brother how I felt. It seemed to awkward. I tried to make eye contact, but I guess he took it as me being friendly. Plus, he was sorta hangin with a girl that was giving him attention so, I guess she won it. It would probably be to awkward to tell him I actually like him, so I'll wait it out.

While we were all having drinks and dancing, I was having a convo with one of there girls there. We were talking about relationships. Although she is married, she told me she truly admires me for being single and strong. Honestly, I think for me this is a curse.

She told me the minute she got married and didn't pay any mind to guys, that's when they came around. She said the key thing is to act like you're in a relationship because when she told herself she was done, that's when she found her husband. It was good conversing with her. I love networking and hearing of other peoples experiences.

The bday boy got really trashed, so we all left early. Chris earlier, offered me a comp ticket to SMACK! I really wanted to see him, so I decided to go. Waiting outside for him, he didn't text back. I was hoping to not have wasted a cab ride there, because I REFUSE to pay $35 to get in. Outside, I met with Bobbie and Arlette.

When I got to the line, Mandana was out. I told her I was waiting for Chris because he comped me. She just gave me the ticket and told me to go in. She was super sweet to have done that without waiting for Chris to come out.

I hung out with Arlette and boys. I love the lavish lifestyle she lives. All she does is give these guys attention and she gets money from them. It was a crazy fetish party. The 1st time I been there, it was awesome. Some guy asked me massage his feet. I kindly declined. He then asked if he could massage my hands.....eh. So I let him. Then, I saw Chris. He looked like he was looking for someone.

He went upstairs and I followed him. When he saw me, he gave me the warmest hug and apologized. He told me he didn't have his phone with him. After small talk, I introduced him to Arlette and Bobbie.

We got on the dancefloor and danced. (Boy, does he dance so well!) Then we went upstairs to chat and his friend Glitch kneeled on the floor. He told Chris to tell me I was beautiful. Super sweet guy, not to mention MAJOR attractive. He had this black metal look. Chris kept hinting if I wanted a drink (as in, let's leave) but for some odd reason I was like, drawn to be around Glitch. We hung out talking for a bit, Paulee came over.

Throughout the night, like 3 guys told me they liked my legs. It was soooo wild. Anyways, I was so ready to go. Chris had to run around for a bit so I told him I would go upstairs and sit down. I sat next to Glitch. He was telling me about living in Philly, his (awesome) piercings, his hair..etc. We talked so much. He was teasing me telling me, Chris is mine and I have to fight him for Chris.

I also had a chance to speak to Bobbie. She told me, so what's up with you and boy wonder? He seems so charming and he is EXTREMELY handsome. I couldn't agree more. I told her my situation and how I felt inside. She told me to stop thinking and just feel. It's the only way. She gave me advise like an older sister. Sweet ol' Bobbie. I love her!

And so, before we left I said bye to Glitch. Told him I would add him on facebook and he told me to "take care of his little brother." It seems to me that the couples in that scene are swingers. I'm sure Glitch was there was with his girlfriend as well.

When we left, we grabbed two beers and a sandwich from the corner deli and cabbed it home. Chris paid for everything! We got home, Chiara told me we had company over. Spaz, Michael and Chris came over. Chiara went straight to bed and so did I.

Everyone left. I got to say, having Chris crash over, hugging me all night.....it felt like good old times. I missed it. I missed that comfort. When we woke up, I made coffee and he ran downstairs to get bagels at the store for me. I made him breakfast and we talked about last night. It was so wonderful. I felt so happy inside again. So comfortable, yet.....not so complete.

After breakfast, Chiara woke up. We decided to lay down in bed and watch a movie. I snuggled against him, while him and Chiara watched the movie. It was so nice to have him there. So much so, it sorta made me sad when we left.

He had to go back to Brooklyn. I packed my laundry and like a real man, he carried my laundry for me to the 2nd floor. He always threw away the garbage. This charming man...

I'm sure I'll be seeing him again, real soon.

Re-cap

It's been so long since I posted an entry here.

Life. It caught up to me and I found myself trapped in middle of this tornado. It was like I was standing in the middle, completely still. Not moving. All the while, everything around me became a blur. I was numb. I couldn't move. Why? What gives people the motive to keep moving forward?

Granted I have wonderful times with my friends, I just can't find myself to feel anything that they're feeling while in the moment. Sometimes, I think I fake it just to get by.

Over the past couple weeks, I went to the Neptunes Beach Club in the Hamptons, dinner dates with the girls and dating around. It's just that everywhere I go, there is this feeling on my back that I can't rid myself from. It won't leave. It follows me, until I'm vulnerable to let it in.

I need to find salvation but I just don't know where to begin....

An eye opener.

Yesterday I met with Andrea. We had chicken and rice and a looooong discussion. From life, to relationships, friends and family. It feels so good to know I'm not alone. Everything that she's gone through, I've been through myself. She was telling me how wonderful her boyfriend was. While she was talking, I found myself missing my ex. Well, the good things at least. An answer inside me told me, you grew up. Let it go.

After my discussion with Andrea, I decided I would find a distraction. Like another focal point. In the end, everything else will fall into place. With that, I decided I would make plans to go somewhere, just by myself, on a beach to sit and relax. Granted I still wanted excitement, I decided that I would find something else to excite me.

I've been talking to guys and everything is becoming a process. I'm so sick and tired of it, honestly. The process of getting to know each other. The risk of getting your heart broken. So, screw it. Here on it's me, myself and I.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with Lijah. For a drink. Nothing more. I did say because it's a school night, we'll limit it to one. Just as friends. Nothing more. Conversation. That's all I want.

Hopefully I won't clam up....

A constant battle.

Had such a wicked time with Ami at Bowery Ballroom this past Friday. Two great psychedelic rock bands performed on staged. Had so much fun. We left immediately and I put Ami in a cab to go home. Afterwards I went to Labyrinth with Chiara and Moreno. Chris was there, along with Paula...etc. It was good music. GREAT times.

I asked Chris if he wanted to crash by me. I guess I felt...like I needed some comfort. And we hooked up before I was super comfortable when he used to come by me and sleep over. It's just that we both want different things in the bedroom. We obviously didn't hook up but we did kiss. He's a great person to be next too. In the morning, I made him coffee and walked him to the train. I noticed, while having coffee, that he had a hickey on his neck. Now I know we aren't together but I felt a slight bit of jealousy and disgust. It shouldn't matter anyways. He's not my boyfriend.

As the day prolonged, I was getting dressed for Ashley's Sweet 16. Rel and Melly came to pick me up. I said Hi to everyone and guess who was there? Maurice. Not that was a problem, but he was with someone else! OK. Granted I'm happy for him, but....if he can get a girlfriend, then there obviously is something wrong with me.

I battle with myself everyday, asking myself what is it that I want. What makes me happy? Who am I? Do want someone to compliment me or bring me out of my element?

I ended up trying to avoid eye contact with him, but I couldn't help but to notice how happy he was. I know I can be just as happy, I just need to allow myself to have it. But I always push away good things away from me in my life.

Until I get over this, it will continue to be a constant battle.

So I took my camera for some inspiration to Coney Island, with Moreno and Chiara. We grabbed a beer at a pub around the corner from the board walk as we listened to a band do cover songs live. They were actually pretty good.

Thereafter, we went to Dark Bar. A few good friends from the scene were there. Then we walked home. Yes. All the way from Delancy. It took an hour but the night was so beautiful. We took pictures of buildings while we walked and got home around 12ish. I knocked out because I had work the next
day and Moreno started to bake brownies. The sweet smell of it, drifted me into a deep sleep.

Cut to Friday (today)....

I had a chance to reflect on some things this past week. I read some of my old posts and saw how ridiculous I sounded. Like, how fast I can crush on a guy and "wishfully" hope on him being places I were going. He's back with his ex, MARY. Wake the fuck up! You cannot start anything with anyone with a dirty plate. This is why I keep a steel heart in this body of mine. I don't think I want anyone to get so close to it. Or maybe I do and I'm just scared? Then explain why my desires are so jaded when I get everything that I'm asking for. Is it what I really want? Or do I think I want it?

I find myself lost again. Searching for what? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I do know I'm existing but I need a focal point.

I just know to know where to start....

In the middle of last week, my impulsive nature decided that I should message Erik Aengel. In the message, I asked him if anyone told him that he looked like the lead singer, Wil Francis of Aiden.

I didn't really expect a response back from him, but I slightly had hope that he would. Of course he didn't but come last night I went to Necromantic. I was meeting Chiara there because she went with J.P to the Peter Murphy concert. As I walked in, I saw him...but with her. I told myself to leave it alone. Like, I wouldn't go after a guy who's still with a girl....but I can still, like look right?

As I walked in, the strangest thing happened, he smiled at me! Prior to me messaging him, we never spoke or anything. Only made eye contact. Ok, so this is a start. I settled in, said hi to everyone, waited for Chiara to come and blah, blah, blah.

So I'm like standing by the bar with Chiara, Michael and J.P. He comes up behind me and puts his arm on my back, saying "About that guy you messaged me on facebook...." So I explained how I thought he looked like him and he told me he had to google the name because he didn't know who he was. Maybe he didn't respond to my FB message because he wanted to "make an excuse" to speak to me in person? Either way, I'm like super glad he did.

Through out the night whenever I made eye contact with him, I smiled. This is start....right?

We stayed until closing. Me and Chiara cabbed it back home. In the cab I told Chiara what happened. She said he's a good looking guy but she had a chance to briefly work with him at the last bank. And she told me that he was still friends with his old ex girlfriend who was there and as she spoke to him she was like dominating him. Chiara says he's like a submissive guy, something she wouldn't want in a guy but maybe for others it wouldn't be an issue.

I'm not sure when I'll see him again, although he is pleasant to think about. I do hope to see him around. I feel like I'm in high school again, crushing hard on a teenage boy, ha.

Probably will be going with Chiara and Moreno to Coney Island later today. Then maybe Dark Bar? Will he be there?

Ok, no. I have to stop. One. Day. At. A. Time. One day at a time...

On Wednesday, March 24th, I turned 25. It's a good feeling when people wish you a Happy Birthday. Like a warm feeling just washes over your heart.

At work, Paula organized cutting of the cake at the office. She also got me a cute card of a hog kissing in the middle. It pops out when you open it and Jason signed the pout, like dead smack in the middle! I think nothing of this though.

Anyways, Paula asked me grab a beer at Bulls Head. Brian wanted to meet with me "even for like a few minutes for my birthday." I assumed he was getting me a gift. I actually didn't want gifts from anyone, just company. So I told him I would meet him at Union later in the evening. An hour passed and guess who walks though the door? Al and Paulina. I was surprised to see them. Just thought they passed by, nothing more. Then Rob walks in! That was when I knew that Paula set this up. What really made my night was when Chiara walked in. Followed by Moreno. Like, everything was PERFECT. I was so happy to see them.

This was all that I wanted. Everyone that I actually cared about, with me having a few drinks for my bday. I invited Chris to come too ("Ginsu" as Rob would call him) He just finished class at Baruch. I haven't seen him in so long and man, did he look....good.

So Paula told me I should call Brian and tell him to meet me at Bulls Head, since he did say it was for a few minutes. Mind you, Chris was still there. So, Brian comes and in his hand is A ROSE. Like....WHY? Firstly, I wasn't ready for you to meet my friends, but you show up here with a ROSE in your hand to give to me. WHY would you do that? What if I don't want my friends to know I'm talking to you. I quickly put the Rose on the table. I then say that Chris started to leave. I hope he didn't see and I hope he wasn't upset. But he gave me a kiss on my hand and told me he would meet with me soon.

As he left, Brian asks me "Should I grab a drink, looks like you guys are staying here for a bit?" I didn't know how to say no, so I mentioned him to do so. I shared this look on my face with Chiara and Paula and they IMMEDIATELY know how I felt.

I know this isn't what I want anymore. Why do I get like this? I thought he was it. But I lose interest almost immediately when a guy is too....mush.

Everyone started to leave one by one then it was me, Chiara and Brian. We walked to the train and as Brian was walking to the 6 downtown, we parted ways. Did he really have to wave like Forest Gump when he said bye? Because that's exactly what he did. When Chiara and I were walking home, we stopped by a pizza shop and had a nice long discussion. I like talking to her. She's actually realistic.

As for my Friday night, we were supposed to go to Dead Heaven but ended up with baked brownies and Netflix. Nights in at a time are so key.

And today is Resh's bday party. Amritha told me I could crash by her. I can't wait to see everyone. I need to do something different for once....

Melissa picked me up with Rel and his friend Irv Saturday night. As usual, we were all late. Rel's brother and a few other people were there as well. Including Bryan.

Flashback: Melissa and Rel have been always asking me to hang in the city with them. A few months ago, they tried to get me to hang out with Rel's good friend Bryan. We went to Slate's for a few drinks and pool. Very attractive looking guy. A lot of eye contact. After a few drinks and playing pool we went upstairs to the crowded dance floor. A couple of Martini's later, Bryan and I were dancing really close. We danced literally all night, eyes closed and all, that when the DJ announced it was the last dance we opened our eyes and saw that we were the only ones on the dance floor. No numbers were exchanged that night. We only added each other on Facebook and that was that.

Then seeing him....with his girlfriend. It was a little awkward but it's kinda like we both knew we had something for each other but no one iniciated anything. Davi, Annie and Nadia met us there before they went to Zara's birthday at Marquee. Lisa came with her boyfriend as well. Took lots of pictures then they drove me home.

Chiara came back from Boston last night, so I met her at an Irish pub for some drinks. Cute Irish bartender gave us the last drink on the house. After a couple of Jack & coke and Irish coffee, we stumbled into 7-11 and got white castle burgers and chocolate. We walked home eating this, laughing and talking. Good company is so key and I'm grateful to have Chiara there.

So it's dawned on me that my bday is on the 24th as well. Brian, asked if he can see me even if its just a little that day. I'm trying to remain balanced with how I feel, but he's getting too....soft.

After many discussions with my friends, I've come to realize that when I meet the right person I will know. I will not question anything and will want to move forward. It will be exciting and fun. But I don't feel this way with Brian :/

I exchanged numbers with Milton off of OKC a couple weeks back and he texted me telling me my pic's look nice. He seems to be a little more exciting. We plan to meet up soon, but for now we're just chit-chatting.

After I get paid this week, I'm going to start going back on random date and continue where I left off. Speaking of this weekend, it's Resh's bday in Long Island and I have nothing to get her. I still have to get Melly her accessories.

SO much to do. So little money. So little time.

I know it was just last weekend that I enjoyed my time spending with Brian but he's turning into a peach! Let me explain:

After his text messages, he asks me "a smooch." Ok. I'm not in a relationship with you. DO NOT proceed to smother me with this kind of stuff when we are supposed to be having fun, getting to know each other. It bothers me like shit that I feel this way. Maybe I'm the abnormal one. Or maybe relationships are not for me. I want to be able to like him how I did, but its starting to push me away. I'm too much of a punk to tell him how I feel. I don't how to express myself. Granted he's a wonderful guy; I just can't help that I feel this way about a guy who's like super sweet.

Last night I took the LIRR with Ami to Baldwin. I was supposed to meet with Allen to pick up my D3100 I bought from him. He told me we'd grab something to eat and he'll show me how it works. I invited Ami to come along but she wanted to go home, long day. Allen ended up taking me to a fancy restaurant. There were only two of these Asian Bistro cuisines in NY. Fancy shmancy. We talked about everything. Despite the fact that I overlooked him in that way, getting to know his intellect and what he is about is quite intriguing. I pictured myself if I were to date someone like him. A voice inside of me whispers, "You're not ready." So when will I be?

Anyways, Allen was kind enough to pay for dinner. He told me it was my early bday present. I was very grateful for this. I also couldn't wait to go home and test out my new camera. Allen also drove me back home. He had to meet a few friends anyways, so he told me it was no biggie. Conversations like no tomorrow. He's a great guy. I don't see why he's single. Then again, I am. And look at me.

Chiara left for Boston earlier in the morning. She'll be back on Monday so basically I have the whole house to my self but with no one to share it with. Fun, I know.

Melissa's having her bday at SEA tonight. I know she she will be terribly disappointed if I don't make it. I'm like her sister. I have to be there. Shelly called off. She had stuff to do with Dale's family. Guess that's what happens with you married huh?

I'm looking forward to a good time. Maybe I'll do something fun after. Maybe not. It's still early anyways, so anything can happen.

Brian texted me this morning and said, "Last night was awesome. I really like how this is going :)" To be honest, I think I feel the same way. After the kiss, it was so pleasant. Like I can totally see him caring for me. He seems so compassionate.

I'm planning to take each day at a time. I don't want to lose interest in him. Paula and I met after work before she had her meeting as we spoke of this.

After I came from doing the grocery, Brian called me. He told me over the phone he is really enjoying my company and he likes where this is going and how he can't wait to meet with me again.

I'm totally gonna take this one day at a time. I don't think I want to mess this up....

Had such an amazing time with the girls last night. We went to Grande Cafe in Astoria. House music, light food, wine and patron. Afterward, we went to a hookah bar where Ami and I danced with the Arabic girl singing. Good times. As the night went on, Brian was texting me until he went to sleep.

Ami was telling me about her trip to the Bahama's with the London guy she randomly met there for the first time and get this....they're dating now! This give me hope that maybe I can make it work with Brian. The guy that she's seeing is tall, white and into music like Brian is. So why was I fussing over the littlest shit? Believe it or not, I wished Brian was home for me to go home to. Watching a movie with him 'till I fell asleep. I want this. And surprisingly he's someone I think I want this with.

I took my time and woke up this morning. During the week Brian asked me to dinner today, Indian food. He loves Indian food. So I called him and we set to meet at a restaurant near Union Square at 7pm. I came back to Manhattan and settled in for a bit. I also met Chiara's mom before heading out. I wore my cream flower dress with black tights and boots.

The first thing Brian said when we sat that was "You look amazing and smell really good." Such a charmer. I was super shy but as we continued talking I felt back to myself. After some amazing food and wine he asked me to go back to that beer brewery he took me to when we first met. I was so down, because I loved how everything was going. I ordered one more glass of wine and he had two beers. I couldn't help but say to myself, gosh he's so handsome. I'd be a fool to let go.

As he walked me back to my train, he waited with me until it came then.....he kissed me. It was a dry kiss but very tolerable. Why? Because it was soft and sensual. I didn't want to stop. It felt so good. I was...amazed.

As I got home, I got a text from him saying he got home and that I "truly are exquisite." This made me so happy.

For once, am I actually enjoying this guys company? Am I actually ready to see him again and see how far this will go? Will I lose interest as I have in the other men that I met? God, I hope not. I can only hope that this was it. That he is for me.

For now, it's one day at a time...

I gave it a shot and called Ian from OKC last night. I decided I was going to meet with him for an hour before I go to Labyrinth. The cool thing is, Paula actually met a guy at the gym just the other day and she was thinking to do the same exact thing. It's good, because an hour is just enough time for us to figure out whether we enjoy the company of who we're seeing or not. Plus, it doesn't put a strain on us to entertain the guy all night. And it's always great leaving them to want more ;)

So Paula and I planned it that we'd meet these fellas, separately in LES for an hour then walk to Labyrinth. (We picked LES so the commute would be easier for us.)

After work, I rushed home to grab Bella and her stuff. Paula is cat sitting for a week while Chiara's mom is in town (she's not crazy about cats) so I decided I would crash by Paula's for the night. Moreno's staying with JP for the week as well so we cabbed from home to JP, dropped Moreno off then I cabbed it to Paula's.

Getting ready, having our girl talks then we took the train to Manhattan. Brian actually texted me before we left, to have a good time. It made me feel warm inside. I actually liked that he did :)

Anyways, Paula and I split at Union Square.

I walked to where I was supposed to meet Ian at bar called The Blind Pig which was located on 14th Street bt 2nd and 3rd Avenue. It was 11:40pm. So I had an hour and 20 minutes to hang. I walked and saw him sitting by himself at the bar, with an empty seat next to him. It was the only empty seat next to a guy in the bar, so I could only assume it was him. He noticed me and smiled. I sat down as he ordered me a beer. We talked and talked and talked.....first about sports which I could give a shit about. Then about music, his background....etc. See, he's slightly above average for me to be attracted to. He has awesome hair, it's just.....eh. I didn't connect with him on that level I was hoping too. It just felt like meet with a good ol friend. He told me he cabbed it downtown to meet me and told me he'd go back uptown to meet his friends, which was cool. I'm glad he's make an effort to do at least that.

Paula texts me 20 minutes before 1am and said she left. It didn't go as great with her as she assumed it would be. She said it was so easy for her to say "Oh, well you know. I gotta go meet my friend, it's getting late." Which is totally bad, because usually when you're having a good time you would hesitate to make a comment like that.

So Ian walked with me on 14th to Avenue A. I had to go to Avenue C as he cabbed it back from Avenue A. I think we'll just be friends at this point.

As I walked to Labyrinth, I stopped by Otto's and passed by White Noise (which I contemplated on going in). As soon as I got to Labyrinth, Paula was there drinking her Sangria with Adrian and Michael. Jason, Ed, Jorge...etc was there too. It wasn't a good night for Rob though. There was another party at Absolution where there was a guest DJ and it totally killed his night. I felt bad. I hate seeing him so down like that, but he's OK.

So I danced with Ed here and there. He's adorable but I see him nothing more. Although we got a little touchy-grabby-"kissy on the cheeky" dancing, it's all that it was. As I sat down a few songs, watching some couples enjoying themselves with their significant others and one person came to mind that I actually thought about doing that with. It was Brian.

I just thought about having him there, cuddling with him with I go home...etc. What was wrong with me?! Just the other day I was thinking about the littlest things.

He was in my thoughts like...almost all night at Labyrinth. I envisioned partying with my friends then going home to see him, waiting for me (just like my ex Rob used to do). What was happening? Why these thoughts? Is this what I really want? I guess only time will tell.

As I left for the night with Paula, Ed and Sebastian took the train home with us. We didn't settle in until about 5ish. Rob actually came over too and crashed here.

This morning Paula left me here at her place because she had to go meet with her mom. She left me the keys to lock up before I left, as Rob left with her. Paula calls me and tells me her and Rob are back on. Rob told her he did love her, he was just scared and he wants her to meet his family. See, like all my friends are getting into these relationships. This feeling is something I want and I think I see Brian as that person (for now).

Ian texted me and said he had a good time with me. Granted I feel the same, but just not in that way. Brian also texted me. I was so straight forward with him telling him I had this urge to text him at 6am. So we're going to make plans today to meet for dinner tomorrow. I can't wait to see him again. I just hope I don't get back in to this feeling of wanting to push something good away as I nitpick at the littlest shit.

Tonight- It's me, Ami, Amanda and Kate. Dinner/drinks then party with the girls? First I have to get off this couch, shower, go to moms then back home to get ready.

And the day begins....

I met up with Mukesh Monday night at West 4th. Decided to take him to 1849, guess who forgot their ID? ;x

So we decided we'd take the cab to my place so that I can pick it up and right before I did some guy grabbed us to join a free comedy show. I explained my situation and he told me they're not checkin for ID's so I should be good. It was my first comedy show, and I had a great time. Got tipsy off of two beers. Mukesh's friend Dixon joined us. We had a lot of fun even after the show. I cabbed it home to get my ID then back to where they were. It was a beer pong spot a dive bar. Despite all those other guys hitting on me, Mukesh was still tryin to get my attention. Seemed like he wanted to kiss me when I went to talk to him. Anyways, we stayed till about 3am and Dixon was super sweet to drop me home. Because I sat in front, when I went to say bye to Mukesh so he can go in the front, we kissed and......no spark. But it was pleasant. IDK what the hell is wrong with me.

Anyways, after work tonight guess who I met....Brian! From OKC. Ok, so let me say that this is my first time meeting someone like that randomly. Met him at Union Square Park. He was super handsome and SUPER tall with green piercing eyes. We went to Max Brenner, the chocolate man. I was so scared that we'd have nothing to talk about but guess what? He is "Maurice" in the perfect guy I wanted. He's white, into the same music I came, veggie but won't force the idea down my throat, very smart, activist, cares for other except....he huffs a lot. Ok, not a lot but frequent. Like, I don't know if he has asthma. It KINDA turned me off, but his intellect is so on point. As we left, he asked me if I wanted to walk around Union Square park. He proceeded to tell me about his best friend from Bangladesh and how he likes Indian food and this law of attraction he believes in. SAME THOUGHTS and beliefs as mine! So surreal. So why was I nitpicking at the littlest things? Like him huffing? Why am I so picky for bullshit? Anyways, we went to a Brewery and had wine and appetizer. He told me how he liked Indian girls, how much like M.I.A I look like and how she's totally his type. He was like, nailing each nail on the head. I was totally started to see how life would be like with him if I were to let go of little bullshit I keep thinking.

He waited until the R train came for me. We hugged a bit before the train arrived and you know when a balloon expands? Well, its how it felt when I hugged him and I can feel like some kind of stretch in his back and moan and he breathed in and out. Should I be bothered by this? I know no one is perfect but why is this annoying me??? I need to stop. Please, I don't need another Maurice situation.

It's like, here is this AWESOME HANDSOME SEXY guy. Everything I wanted. A white guy, into rock, shares the same interests as I....and here I am getting turned off by the LITTLEST THING. Maybe I'm the problem.

I totally feel like this is a test. Like God is giving me what I need. Just testing to see if I am ready. I have to make myself ready. Really I do.

So anyways, he tried to kiss me when the train came. It was like a light tap on the lips. It felt nice but I was sooo shy. I texted him when I got home and it seemed like he was totally into me. He said he's free tomorrow and Friday! I think I'll meet him more later this week. I need to let go of this shallow habit of mine that I have.

I need to accept it.

BTW- Jeremy texted me to come to H.E. I told him I was under the weather. It truly only does seem like he just texts me when he has a party. Or I'm apart of his textin list. Whatever it may be, I think he's glad I show my face. Eh, he's cute wth. I'll keep it as friends.

OH and Christopher (TJ's brother) asked me to come by Flushing Friday night to play pool with him and some old friends. I may pass by. It's Labyrinth that night and Ami said she's coming out. Maybe I should spend the night by mom? We'll see.

Netflix then bed. Going to look for Eat, Pray, Love and think of Brian as James Franco in the movie. Because it's exactly how he is and maybe it'll give me courage to accept him.

Goodnight.

I totally forgot to say what I did on Wednesday night, as well as these past few days. So here's the re-cap:

Wednesday- After work I had beer with Paula. Killed time with her before I met Omar at Union Square. It's been so long since I seen him. We met at Crooked Disco at Public Assembly when I went with Justin and Matty. Since then, we became so cool. Bar hopping and stuff. So we trained it to Essex Street and went to this mini spot that served $2 PBR's! Awesome, right? It also was his friends birthday so we went to Ella and had one drink. Then we went to R bar. Jeremy texted me to go and boy was it SUPER dead. We actually ran into another group of Omar's friends which was cool. Jeremy peeked over the DJ booth and slipped me a drink ticket. It seemed like he was happy to see me. We then took off and walked to the R train. I didn't get home till about 12ish. It defiantly was nice meeting with an old friend who obviously has the hots for me, but wouldn't cross that barrier.

Thursday- As you know it was Moreno's bday, the day I called out. Jeremy texted me again and asked me to come out. I told him it was my roommates bday and he told me have fun and tell my friend "happy birthday :)" So that was that.

Friday- I after work, I packed my bags and went straight to Paula's. Moreno and Chiara fell asleep watching Sponge Bob and I didn't wanna wake them. I texted Chiara telling her we were going to Berlin. So I got to Paula's, we watched a movie and got dressed and took the train. It wasn't so bad. I did meet someone. His name is John and his friend was a drummer at Berlin so he came to show support. It was more of a forced convo cause I was bored. He bought me a drink, we chit chatted and exchanged numbers. Nothing serious.

Saturday- Woke up and went to see mom. It was Evi's bday in Jersey and I had to shower, do my hair and nails. I was in a rush! Ray picked us up and drove us to Uncle Adam where we crammed into a 4 door car. Me, mom, Aunty Maggie, Aunty Pearly, Uncle Adam and Debbie drove. Jeremy asked me to come to Beauty Bar but I told him I had to come to Jersey. I promised I would see him at Happy Ending. I hope I make that promise :/ The bday party was fun. This lady who knew me since I was little wanted to set me up with her son, haha. Other then that, I danced with Deb majority of the night. Can you believe, she had the nerve to ask me when was the last time I spoke to Natasha? Pssh. Like she didn't know. Anyways, I'm just trying to show a nice face so I just simply said "Oh it was a while, on facebook." And that was that.

Sunday- It was raining. Slept over moms the night before and Gavin came to pick me up and drove me to the city. Another good friend, another good convo. We talked in front my house for another hour after. It was nice to know he supports me. Although I know he likes me, he instills a lot in me. I'm grateful for our friendship. Went upstairs and chit chatted with Chiara and Moreno. They updated me on Necro and what I missed out. Paula actually went with Rob. I wish I went :/

Monday (today)- I missed work. I need to do more with myself. So I've been chatting with Mukesh a bit and I'm supposed to meet him now around Bleecker for some drinks and food? I hope he doesn't make me feel a fool again. After his mom passed away, I've made the effort to be his friend and we've kept in contact ever since. Speaking of which, I need to leave before I get late.

Why do I have butterflies....?

I decided I wouldn't work yesterday morning. Besides the fact that I woke up the time I was supposed to leave my house, I was in no position to take a cab to work. Nevertheless, can I afford it. I called Thomas and told him I was sick and asked him if Safi can watch my desk. Can you believe I slept until 2pm?! Yeah, this totally needs to stop. I need to start waking up earlier and make coffee in the morning.

It was Moreno's birthday and Chiara went to Whole Food's to get ingredients to make his favorite fruit cake. I went to visit mom at Port Authority (ended up picking up some dress - smh) and she lent me some money. I picked up a Sponge Bob balloon and card because Moreno likes Sponge Bob :)

By the time I got home, Paula was over helping Chiara in the kitchen and I bumped into Michael in the elevator. John Paul came 15 minutes after. Last but not least, came Moreno. He was so happy that we did this for him. Good times with good company. Paula and JP left around 10-11pm. Moreno wanted to go out, so him, Chiara and Michael went to White Noise. I'm not crazy about that scene, plus I had work in the AM so I didn't bother to go.

Jeremy texted me and asked if I was up to come to LIT, but I told him it was a friends bday and we were having dinner. I said I would I see him Tuesday. His response was "Awesome. Tell your friend happy birthday!"

Came into work and caught up to everything I had missed. I also heard Safi got into a confrontation with Liz and almost made Liz cry. Safi then stormed out the office and when Peter tried to call she wouldn't pick up. That bitch then proceeded to email Peter and tell him to get rid of Liz, "we don't need another Mary." Peter showed Paula this and Paula told me. She told me not to worry because Peter knows how she is. Screw her.

I also found TJ's brother on Facebook. I didn't know he was my age all this time, and he grew up into a tall handsome guy. He's also into metal music, how awesome is that?!

Well, I'm currently at Paula's. We're going to Berlin then I'm crashing here. From here, I'll go do my taxes then go see mom. Tomorrow I'll be seeing Evita and her sisters in Jersey. It should be nice.

So yesterday around 3 PM I get a text from Jeremy saying "Come to HE tonight. I feel like we should spend more quality time together." Dude, really? Now, I know this isn't a mass text...or I could be wrong. I truly wasn't planning to go, but life's been so dull. Lack luster and blurry. So what the heck. Boy toy, eye candy. Whatever.

After work, winded down and watched Netflix. Vittoria came up. We all had chicken soup. I got ready and headed out. It was nice weather and I got there in time for the drink special. As soon as I saw Jeremy, I waved. He reached over the booth to give me a kiss on cheek. Then he said "You smell realllly good!" (Thank you Chiara for the oil musk!)

Got my drink and guess who I bumped into? ALEX! From France. I haven't seen him since I used to hang out with Anton. We used to take the J train back together on the way home because he lived in Brooklyn. Sweet guy.

Valerie was there. We started dancing and she introduced me to soooo many people. It was awesome, they all were super nice. Tall and attractive guys and girls. Twig was there too. He looked so dapper!

The night carried on, we dance with a loooot of random people. So cool. And as I was dancing, there was tall guy in a black leather jacket. Just sipping his drink, glaring at me and smiling. After catching his eye a few times I walked up to him and told him he should take a picture. It'll last longer. Well that made him smile :)

His name is Matthais. He' from Austria and has been all around the world. He's 29, originally from LA. Came to New York to film a commercial for 8 days. He leaves in a week. We talked the rest of the night. I saw Jeremy by the bathroom and I'm sure he saw me with Matthais and a phone in his hand. Not sure if he thought anything of it, but whatever. We exchanged numbers. His face was close to mine for conversation. Eventually we left together....but it's not what you think.

Jeremy wasn't around for me to say bye, as usual. So I just walked Matthais to his hotel, which was a good few blocks away, but it was nice to have arm candy walking in the streets of LES. His hotel was around Chinatown. I told him to K.I.T and before I went to grab the cab we kissed.

I haven't kissed a guy since....Matthew. Wow. That was long. He kissed me very softly. It felt nice. And before I got in the cab, we kissed again. This probably won't amount to anything, but it was fun for the night. And I hope to keep in touch. I texted Jeremy it was nice to see him with kisses at the end of the text. He responded "It was nice seeing you too!!" ......Oook?

Whatever.

Paula wants to grab one drink after work today. Feeling adventurous I texted Omar and asked him to hang too. So I'll meet with Omar after Paula. Maybe go to R Bar? I know Jeremy is DJing tonight. Good thing I walked with my red lipstick in my bag. Should I tell him I'll go? Unless he texts me I will. But I just may surprise him....

In a nutshell...

So we didn't end up going to Dead Heaven. It would have been nice to go, but it was like SUPER windy out. So Chiara called Michael and told him not to bother to come.

I signed up for Netflix. So basically, we all were up like we went to the club because we ended up going to bed at 5am!

The next day, I got ready and packed my bags and went over by Paula's. We (including Al - but he left early) went to Salvation and met Chiara and JP there. Moreno came later. It was good, a little stuffy and packed but music is always good. Then went back to Paula's and slept over. It was nice to have girl bonding time with her.

The next day, Rob came over her place to drop off some stuff. It's good that they're friends again. So we decided to walk to a diner and have late lunch. I went to my mom's house to hang out with her and watch the Oscar's for a bit. Seeing James Franco host it, makes me melt. Also, despressing because I want someone who looks like him in my life, HA. Yeah, like that's freakin possible.

I got home late because I left Flushing around 10ish. I may go to Evita's birthday next week with mum, but Uncle Adam is taking her. And I'm skeptial around him.

To be honest, Eva, Evita and Milena always call me when they come to Queens asking me to hang out. This time, I'll make the effort to go see them. So Saturday night is set. Friday- I'm thinking Netflix?

My life is such a freakin bore :(

It's Friday!

So last night, like totally out of the blue Jeremy texted me to come to LIT. I told him I would ask my friends, who weren't in the mood to go out really. After having told him that, he texts me back and says "I would love to see you :) You can hang with me in DJ booth and get one drink."

I bit the bullet. What the hell did I have to lose. I wanted to do something fun. So I changed outta my PJ's, freshened up and went cabbed it to LIT. It was drizzling and windy.

Got there at 12am. I said I would only stay to here him play one set. As soon as I went downstairs, we locked eyes and he smiled. I mentioned with my hand that I was going to get a drink. So I did. Then instead of going into the DJ booth, I sat in front of the elevated couch in front of him. He smiled and grabbed my hand and said "Thank you so much for coming."

Now this is the thing, I don't know whether he's gay or bisexual. Maybe metro?

Well, in the middle of his set he got two shots shots for us (gave me the one with less, because he knows I had to work the next day). Super sweet guy. I got up, danced a song or two and went to sit back down by him.

He reached over and ruffled my hair (in a cute way) saying thanks for coming again. His set had ended and another DJ came on and here's the thing....I didn't see him anywhere. Whatever. So I paced around, then went upstairs.

I started talking to the bouncer. (Funny thing how I knew him. Went to LIT mths ago with Monica, Chiara and Z. Z got totally drunk and grabbed on his tattoo. She was too drunk they didn't even let her in.) He was like "That was YOUR friend!" He was sorta hitting on me, but just talking for shits and giggles. Very sweet guy. His name is Rahim. So after him helping me rip my zipper which was stuck to my bag open, I attempted to look for Jeremy downstairs to say bye. Couldn't find him. Went back up stairs and said bye to Rahim then cabbed it home. Can't believe I spent $21 in cab money to go to LIT for what.....? Eye candy.

Eh whatever. I texted him in the cab and he texted back "it was a pleasure seeing me :)" Got home at 2am and as usual, late for work.

Monday new start. Tonight is Dead Heaven, new party on 14th Street. Maybe I'll check it out.

I'll think about it....