An eye opener.

Yesterday I met with Andrea. We had chicken and rice and a looooong discussion. From life, to relationships, friends and family. It feels so good to know I'm not alone. Everything that she's gone through, I've been through myself. She was telling me how wonderful her boyfriend was. While she was talking, I found myself missing my ex. Well, the good things at least. An answer inside me told me, you grew up. Let it go.

After my discussion with Andrea, I decided I would find a distraction. Like another focal point. In the end, everything else will fall into place. With that, I decided I would make plans to go somewhere, just by myself, on a beach to sit and relax. Granted I still wanted excitement, I decided that I would find something else to excite me.

I've been talking to guys and everything is becoming a process. I'm so sick and tired of it, honestly. The process of getting to know each other. The risk of getting your heart broken. So, screw it. Here on it's me, myself and I.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with Lijah. For a drink. Nothing more. I did say because it's a school night, we'll limit it to one. Just as friends. Nothing more. Conversation. That's all I want.

Hopefully I won't clam up....

A constant battle.

Had such a wicked time with Ami at Bowery Ballroom this past Friday. Two great psychedelic rock bands performed on staged. Had so much fun. We left immediately and I put Ami in a cab to go home. Afterwards I went to Labyrinth with Chiara and Moreno. Chris was there, along with Paula...etc. It was good music. GREAT times.

I asked Chris if he wanted to crash by me. I guess I felt...like I needed some comfort. And we hooked up before I was super comfortable when he used to come by me and sleep over. It's just that we both want different things in the bedroom. We obviously didn't hook up but we did kiss. He's a great person to be next too. In the morning, I made him coffee and walked him to the train. I noticed, while having coffee, that he had a hickey on his neck. Now I know we aren't together but I felt a slight bit of jealousy and disgust. It shouldn't matter anyways. He's not my boyfriend.

As the day prolonged, I was getting dressed for Ashley's Sweet 16. Rel and Melly came to pick me up. I said Hi to everyone and guess who was there? Maurice. Not that was a problem, but he was with someone else! OK. Granted I'm happy for him, but....if he can get a girlfriend, then there obviously is something wrong with me.

I battle with myself everyday, asking myself what is it that I want. What makes me happy? Who am I? Do want someone to compliment me or bring me out of my element?

I ended up trying to avoid eye contact with him, but I couldn't help but to notice how happy he was. I know I can be just as happy, I just need to allow myself to have it. But I always push away good things away from me in my life.

Until I get over this, it will continue to be a constant battle.

So I took my camera for some inspiration to Coney Island, with Moreno and Chiara. We grabbed a beer at a pub around the corner from the board walk as we listened to a band do cover songs live. They were actually pretty good.

Thereafter, we went to Dark Bar. A few good friends from the scene were there. Then we walked home. Yes. All the way from Delancy. It took an hour but the night was so beautiful. We took pictures of buildings while we walked and got home around 12ish. I knocked out because I had work the next
day and Moreno started to bake brownies. The sweet smell of it, drifted me into a deep sleep.

Cut to Friday (today)....

I had a chance to reflect on some things this past week. I read some of my old posts and saw how ridiculous I sounded. Like, how fast I can crush on a guy and "wishfully" hope on him being places I were going. He's back with his ex, MARY. Wake the fuck up! You cannot start anything with anyone with a dirty plate. This is why I keep a steel heart in this body of mine. I don't think I want anyone to get so close to it. Or maybe I do and I'm just scared? Then explain why my desires are so jaded when I get everything that I'm asking for. Is it what I really want? Or do I think I want it?

I find myself lost again. Searching for what? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I do know I'm existing but I need a focal point.

I just know to know where to start....

In the middle of last week, my impulsive nature decided that I should message Erik Aengel. In the message, I asked him if anyone told him that he looked like the lead singer, Wil Francis of Aiden.

I didn't really expect a response back from him, but I slightly had hope that he would. Of course he didn't but come last night I went to Necromantic. I was meeting Chiara there because she went with J.P to the Peter Murphy concert. As I walked in, I saw him...but with her. I told myself to leave it alone. Like, I wouldn't go after a guy who's still with a girl....but I can still, like look right?

As I walked in, the strangest thing happened, he smiled at me! Prior to me messaging him, we never spoke or anything. Only made eye contact. Ok, so this is a start. I settled in, said hi to everyone, waited for Chiara to come and blah, blah, blah.

So I'm like standing by the bar with Chiara, Michael and J.P. He comes up behind me and puts his arm on my back, saying "About that guy you messaged me on facebook...." So I explained how I thought he looked like him and he told me he had to google the name because he didn't know who he was. Maybe he didn't respond to my FB message because he wanted to "make an excuse" to speak to me in person? Either way, I'm like super glad he did.

Through out the night whenever I made eye contact with him, I smiled. This is start....right?

We stayed until closing. Me and Chiara cabbed it back home. In the cab I told Chiara what happened. She said he's a good looking guy but she had a chance to briefly work with him at the last bank. And she told me that he was still friends with his old ex girlfriend who was there and as she spoke to him she was like dominating him. Chiara says he's like a submissive guy, something she wouldn't want in a guy but maybe for others it wouldn't be an issue.

I'm not sure when I'll see him again, although he is pleasant to think about. I do hope to see him around. I feel like I'm in high school again, crushing hard on a teenage boy, ha.

Probably will be going with Chiara and Moreno to Coney Island later today. Then maybe Dark Bar? Will he be there?

Ok, no. I have to stop. One. Day. At. A. Time. One day at a time...