A constant battle.

Had such a wicked time with Ami at Bowery Ballroom this past Friday. Two great psychedelic rock bands performed on staged. Had so much fun. We left immediately and I put Ami in a cab to go home. Afterwards I went to Labyrinth with Chiara and Moreno. Chris was there, along with Paula...etc. It was good music. GREAT times.

I asked Chris if he wanted to crash by me. I guess I felt...like I needed some comfort. And we hooked up before I was super comfortable when he used to come by me and sleep over. It's just that we both want different things in the bedroom. We obviously didn't hook up but we did kiss. He's a great person to be next too. In the morning, I made him coffee and walked him to the train. I noticed, while having coffee, that he had a hickey on his neck. Now I know we aren't together but I felt a slight bit of jealousy and disgust. It shouldn't matter anyways. He's not my boyfriend.

As the day prolonged, I was getting dressed for Ashley's Sweet 16. Rel and Melly came to pick me up. I said Hi to everyone and guess who was there? Maurice. Not that was a problem, but he was with someone else! OK. Granted I'm happy for him, but....if he can get a girlfriend, then there obviously is something wrong with me.

I battle with myself everyday, asking myself what is it that I want. What makes me happy? Who am I? Do want someone to compliment me or bring me out of my element?

I ended up trying to avoid eye contact with him, but I couldn't help but to notice how happy he was. I know I can be just as happy, I just need to allow myself to have it. But I always push away good things away from me in my life.

Until I get over this, it will continue to be a constant battle.