All Summed Up

Green Day was awesome. Ended up going to Happy Endings. I finally got to kiss him. It was amazing. I wish it didnt end. The following texts got a little more in detail, but now its back to "normal". I dont want to give it up too soon, Im just not that kind of person. Plus it always seems to fuck up a good thing. I dont know where Im going with myself.

My ex is still trying to come into my life and I just dont have the sex drive, desire or anything to be with him anymore. I dont want to hurt him, I wish there was a simpler way for me to tell him without him getting hurt. I was talking to a family friend of mine and he gave me the greatest advice ever. I had told him that I wanted to be alone. I dont see myself being with anyone. As much as I want it, I dont think I will find another guy who will want to get to know the "real me" without wanting something sexual. Its been a while since I been with someone in that way and I intend to keep it that way until I really know how I feel. Yes I have a deep attraction for this guy but if I give it up, whats next? Ill just be another girl. I came to realization that the only form of relationship I want to have is with myself. I dont want to be hurt again.

Yes I may be a little rude to men at this point, but if someone is willing to see me past that then he is definitely worth it. I told Kris maybe when I meet the right person then maybe he can change my mind. Kris told me, "maybe you dont need anyone to change your mind, but yourself. you cant find happiness if your not happy. and dont go lookinfg for it either cause once your happy, people and the things around you will fall into place".

Lets see how this week unfolds.

Get It Over With

I just want tomorrow to pass by as quickly as possible. I was looking forward to it but honestly not anymore. I am no longer confident in the decision that I am choosing to make but I must live with it. I tied up loose ends and I am now all alone. I lost it all. I'm just gonna get really fuckin trashed, go home and sleep. Or maybe just get really trashed and visit some old friends at Happy Endings.

I have a feeling tomorrow may be uncomfortable. Once again I am no longer confident. My partner in crime is going to Aruba with her boyfriend and wont be back until next week. This is gonna be a shitty ass week, alone.

Hurry and make it Wednesday already, I just want tomorrow to go by. All the excitement has gone blah because I feel like I'm the only person putting in effort. Fuck it and fuck it all.

I just wanna coil up in my bed and sleep.....forever.

DONE

Nothings real anymore, I feel like I lost is all.

There's nothing to live for anymore, everything and everybody is just artificial and fake ! I am completely done showing that I am "available". Im tried of these games.

Seriously !

Huh?

Im gettin mixed signals. I dont understand.

Im confused. Im once again lost.

Still waiting, only time will tell.

Blank

So I let the worm out ONE of the cans. Rob isnt stupid and he asked me to be truthful with him during the time period that we broke up and I did. Even though we arent together, he tells me he cant deal with it. I dont understand him because he was the one in the 6 mth relationship whom he already confessed he loved the girl and wanted to have a family with her.

He asked to talk to me today. All of a sudden, Im to blame. He is a great person and he has a beautiful heart, but Im not ready to let him back in my life yet. I still want to see thats "out there". I know that it may not be promising, but I THINK Im ready to take that risk. Of losing someone that loves me, wants to marry me and be with me. I just dont think Im ready for that with him now because he had his time.

Part of me is scared of losing him but Im sorta kinda interested in someone else. I have jealousy issues with everything I been through yes and I vow not to get into anything (even if its with Rob) if I cant learn to fix myself. It wouldnt be fair.

Im looking foward to this weekend. I need a drink, really baaaad.

It's Whatever...

I vow to never tell anyone upfront how I feel anymore, nevertheless let them know how much I like them. It's bullshit that I have to play these mind games and when I least expect it, what I want comes right around. Fuck it, seriously.

Rob asked me to go to Six Flags with his sister, brother, nephew and nieces. I told him I would. It's not like we do anything anyway.

Im trying to grow out my hair, lets see how that goes. Till then, life? Its whatever man.

Just Another Day...

"..like lightning in my heart, a kiss so burning hot, im hanging on a thread thats bound to drop"

I could be setting myself up for disappointment. I dont want to get hurt. Nothing is promised.

I still dont know what to do with Rob. I care for him still but that "feeling" isnt there anymore. I feel like im doing something wrong. I dont have the heart to tell him how I feel because I dont want to hurt him. At the same time, Im not sure if I see anything with him.

Everything reminds me of him, but when he's here I cant help but think of those girls. He is a changed person now, but I think I have a change of heart.

Im interetsted in someone else but I dont know where its gonna go. I also dont want to ruin a great friendship over liking him too much! Im scared, stuck, alone and confused. I really dont know what to do with myself.

Weekend

I'm in a bit of a dilemma. Rob has asked me to make a choice. Like I care for him and I love him deeply, but theres nothing there for me anymore. I mean that's how I feel. He does a lot for me to show me hes trying, but whats gonna happen when he gets comfortable again? What's gonna happen to Laura, Natasha, Naline and Gillian? I cannot be with him again. He will always continue to feed into their ego's. I know he's a great person, but this wont ever be. He read me out and told me that he knew I didnt love him the same anymore. I dont touch, laugh or play around with him like I used to. I spent 2 yrs apart from him, I think I lost that feeling.

I am very happy to say that I am able to move on. But where? Where will I go from here? I am working on myself but it would be cool to share this with someone. The process of being in another realtionship and having to work on it is soo stressfull. After Rob I did have my share of interests. One I really was deep in for but he went back to his ex. Such is my fuckin luck aint it? I been told Im beautiful, smart, and nuturing. Part of me feels like I have to be like every other girl. Simple. I do take off my piercings out of respect for my elders but for me its self expression. It's how I express myself.

I also found myself liking someone whos just a friend a little too much. I need to pull away before I get hurt. I value my friendship with him and I'm not sure how he feels for me. He compliments me from time to time but I'm still unsure. He is definently someone I would like to get to know personal but Im not in to play games, I'm in for keeps. I'm scared to tell him how I feel. Until then, I vow to not make a move on a guy. I dont think men like that much anyways.

I just need to focus on me, me, me.

STUCK

My heart tells me one thing, my mind is telling me another. I know there are others out there that are NOT promising. This is what I fear because I want to settle down, I want to be loved and shower the person I'm with the same kind of affection and respect. I love Robbie, this I do but we have nothing to build on.

The first couple years he lied to me, cheated my feelings to keep these girls whom I thought were his cousins and friends around. Its been years past and I still cant get over it. WHY? All the time I was LOYAL, he wasn't. All the time I spend taking care of him, loving him, making sure he had breakfast in the morning before I went to work even though I didn't have to, I DID. I put his comfort before mine and all while I was at work/school, he was busy taking these girls out to lunch, meeting them on myspace....etc.

So yes we're two grown adults and he decided he needed to change. That great, really fucking GREAT, but what do I have to reflect on? What image of "the man that I fell in love with" do I see? Exactly, everything that I mentioned. This is why its extremely hard to try! He fell in love with another girl of the 6 months he was dating when I broke up with him. Me on the other hand, stayed single!

I tell myself, I need to go out there and meet people. So far the guys I meet we click and we have an awesome time. But they either lie cause they have girlfriends, have ex-girlfriend baggage or they have to move. Such is my fuckin luck, I swear I GIVE UP !

I do have my eye on this one guy, he's more of a friend to me. Part of me not wanting to risk telling him I like him is because I wouldnt want to lose him as a friend. Not only is he attractive, but his mental is a turn on. We value and like much of the same things. I'm just not sure if he's with his girlfriend/broke up or what. Honestly, I dont give a fuck right now. I'm just going to focus on me.

It does rip my heart that I cannot be with Rob, because we planned our life together. It doesnt bother me that he shares it with someone else. HONESTLY, if someone can make him happier, I would LOVE THAT. I just cant love him the way he wants me to love him.

I can only pray that I find that in return ='(

CLOSE THIS CHAPTER

I don't think I can go back to open those can of worms again. There's nothing behind that door but a person who cares for me, but would lie to save his ass.

A good friend told me this great advice. Don't follow your heart, follow your mind because if you tell your mind to move you finger it will move but you can't tell your heart to stop beating. Its stubborn and just wont do. Instead of me going round and round in circles which I have for the past 4 yrs in my life, I need to adjust to some changes.

It would be nice if someone would sweep me off my feet, but before I dive in the deep end I need to let the flood build. I need something to work for.

Is is possible to have a love affair that will last forever?

LOST

"..searching for the hope in this, to find a place where more than hope exists"*

I have all these rushed feelings of emotions running right through me right now. I'm feeling anxiety, depressed, confused, LOST, smitten, sad and this list goes on and on. I feel like the eye of a tornado and these feelings are just in a whirl pool all around me with no place to escape.

Yesterday was Father's Day. I can't even remember when was the last time I told "my dad" Happy Father's Day. Nevertheless, call him "dad". It bothers me so much at times and at times I'm just too numb to even feel it. So there goes the male figure in my life, someone who was supposed to show me what a real man is supposed to be. My brothers have their own lives to deal with and I'm grateful for learning what I know through them, but it didn't make me a woman though it did make me wise.

I really don't even think I know what will make me happy anymore. I really give up on trying to analyze shit, because in the end....does it really matter?

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

I feel lost. WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? I recently found out my ex of four and a half years (who has been trying to "prove how much he loves me" and why I should get back with him) was talking to a mutual friend while we were together. Now yes, this may have happened in the past, but this is ONE of many incidents that has occured between us.

I always said " You cannot build a bridge on top of a weak foundation, or your bridges will collapse". You cant expect me to just accept it. I loved you with every fiber in my body but you was unable to give me that in return. After four and a half years of dating and one year of a mutual break-up between us, your ready to love me? I see your efforts in trying to make me happy, this I am grateful for, truly I seen that you do a lot, but I dont have enough energy to fight for you. I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore.

Why do you have the need to still "explain" yourself after so many years? You get bit by a snake you have to suck the venom out. If I didnt find out about her, you would have NEVER told me. What else are you hiding in that shallow heart of yours? I wish I had answers....

..I have totally lost my faith*