On Wednesday, March 24th, I turned 25. It's a good feeling when people wish you a Happy Birthday. Like a warm feeling just washes over your heart.

At work, Paula organized cutting of the cake at the office. She also got me a cute card of a hog kissing in the middle. It pops out when you open it and Jason signed the pout, like dead smack in the middle! I think nothing of this though.

Anyways, Paula asked me grab a beer at Bulls Head. Brian wanted to meet with me "even for like a few minutes for my birthday." I assumed he was getting me a gift. I actually didn't want gifts from anyone, just company. So I told him I would meet him at Union later in the evening. An hour passed and guess who walks though the door? Al and Paulina. I was surprised to see them. Just thought they passed by, nothing more. Then Rob walks in! That was when I knew that Paula set this up. What really made my night was when Chiara walked in. Followed by Moreno. Like, everything was PERFECT. I was so happy to see them.

This was all that I wanted. Everyone that I actually cared about, with me having a few drinks for my bday. I invited Chris to come too ("Ginsu" as Rob would call him) He just finished class at Baruch. I haven't seen him in so long and man, did he look....good.

So Paula told me I should call Brian and tell him to meet me at Bulls Head, since he did say it was for a few minutes. Mind you, Chris was still there. So, Brian comes and in his hand is A ROSE. Like....WHY? Firstly, I wasn't ready for you to meet my friends, but you show up here with a ROSE in your hand to give to me. WHY would you do that? What if I don't want my friends to know I'm talking to you. I quickly put the Rose on the table. I then say that Chris started to leave. I hope he didn't see and I hope he wasn't upset. But he gave me a kiss on my hand and told me he would meet with me soon.

As he left, Brian asks me "Should I grab a drink, looks like you guys are staying here for a bit?" I didn't know how to say no, so I mentioned him to do so. I shared this look on my face with Chiara and Paula and they IMMEDIATELY know how I felt.

I know this isn't what I want anymore. Why do I get like this? I thought he was it. But I lose interest almost immediately when a guy is too....mush.

Everyone started to leave one by one then it was me, Chiara and Brian. We walked to the train and as Brian was walking to the 6 downtown, we parted ways. Did he really have to wave like Forest Gump when he said bye? Because that's exactly what he did. When Chiara and I were walking home, we stopped by a pizza shop and had a nice long discussion. I like talking to her. She's actually realistic.

As for my Friday night, we were supposed to go to Dead Heaven but ended up with baked brownies and Netflix. Nights in at a time are so key.

And today is Resh's bday party. Amritha told me I could crash by her. I can't wait to see everyone. I need to do something different for once....

Melissa picked me up with Rel and his friend Irv Saturday night. As usual, we were all late. Rel's brother and a few other people were there as well. Including Bryan.

Flashback: Melissa and Rel have been always asking me to hang in the city with them. A few months ago, they tried to get me to hang out with Rel's good friend Bryan. We went to Slate's for a few drinks and pool. Very attractive looking guy. A lot of eye contact. After a few drinks and playing pool we went upstairs to the crowded dance floor. A couple of Martini's later, Bryan and I were dancing really close. We danced literally all night, eyes closed and all, that when the DJ announced it was the last dance we opened our eyes and saw that we were the only ones on the dance floor. No numbers were exchanged that night. We only added each other on Facebook and that was that.

Then seeing him....with his girlfriend. It was a little awkward but it's kinda like we both knew we had something for each other but no one iniciated anything. Davi, Annie and Nadia met us there before they went to Zara's birthday at Marquee. Lisa came with her boyfriend as well. Took lots of pictures then they drove me home.

Chiara came back from Boston last night, so I met her at an Irish pub for some drinks. Cute Irish bartender gave us the last drink on the house. After a couple of Jack & coke and Irish coffee, we stumbled into 7-11 and got white castle burgers and chocolate. We walked home eating this, laughing and talking. Good company is so key and I'm grateful to have Chiara there.

So it's dawned on me that my bday is on the 24th as well. Brian, asked if he can see me even if its just a little that day. I'm trying to remain balanced with how I feel, but he's getting too....soft.

After many discussions with my friends, I've come to realize that when I meet the right person I will know. I will not question anything and will want to move forward. It will be exciting and fun. But I don't feel this way with Brian :/

I exchanged numbers with Milton off of OKC a couple weeks back and he texted me telling me my pic's look nice. He seems to be a little more exciting. We plan to meet up soon, but for now we're just chit-chatting.

After I get paid this week, I'm going to start going back on random date and continue where I left off. Speaking of this weekend, it's Resh's bday in Long Island and I have nothing to get her. I still have to get Melly her accessories.

SO much to do. So little money. So little time.

I know it was just last weekend that I enjoyed my time spending with Brian but he's turning into a peach! Let me explain:

After his text messages, he asks me "a smooch." Ok. I'm not in a relationship with you. DO NOT proceed to smother me with this kind of stuff when we are supposed to be having fun, getting to know each other. It bothers me like shit that I feel this way. Maybe I'm the abnormal one. Or maybe relationships are not for me. I want to be able to like him how I did, but its starting to push me away. I'm too much of a punk to tell him how I feel. I don't how to express myself. Granted he's a wonderful guy; I just can't help that I feel this way about a guy who's like super sweet.

Last night I took the LIRR with Ami to Baldwin. I was supposed to meet with Allen to pick up my D3100 I bought from him. He told me we'd grab something to eat and he'll show me how it works. I invited Ami to come along but she wanted to go home, long day. Allen ended up taking me to a fancy restaurant. There were only two of these Asian Bistro cuisines in NY. Fancy shmancy. We talked about everything. Despite the fact that I overlooked him in that way, getting to know his intellect and what he is about is quite intriguing. I pictured myself if I were to date someone like him. A voice inside of me whispers, "You're not ready." So when will I be?

Anyways, Allen was kind enough to pay for dinner. He told me it was my early bday present. I was very grateful for this. I also couldn't wait to go home and test out my new camera. Allen also drove me back home. He had to meet a few friends anyways, so he told me it was no biggie. Conversations like no tomorrow. He's a great guy. I don't see why he's single. Then again, I am. And look at me.

Chiara left for Boston earlier in the morning. She'll be back on Monday so basically I have the whole house to my self but with no one to share it with. Fun, I know.

Melissa's having her bday at SEA tonight. I know she she will be terribly disappointed if I don't make it. I'm like her sister. I have to be there. Shelly called off. She had stuff to do with Dale's family. Guess that's what happens with you married huh?

I'm looking forward to a good time. Maybe I'll do something fun after. Maybe not. It's still early anyways, so anything can happen.

Brian texted me this morning and said, "Last night was awesome. I really like how this is going :)" To be honest, I think I feel the same way. After the kiss, it was so pleasant. Like I can totally see him caring for me. He seems so compassionate.

I'm planning to take each day at a time. I don't want to lose interest in him. Paula and I met after work before she had her meeting as we spoke of this.

After I came from doing the grocery, Brian called me. He told me over the phone he is really enjoying my company and he likes where this is going and how he can't wait to meet with me again.

I'm totally gonna take this one day at a time. I don't think I want to mess this up....

Had such an amazing time with the girls last night. We went to Grande Cafe in Astoria. House music, light food, wine and patron. Afterward, we went to a hookah bar where Ami and I danced with the Arabic girl singing. Good times. As the night went on, Brian was texting me until he went to sleep.

Ami was telling me about her trip to the Bahama's with the London guy she randomly met there for the first time and get this....they're dating now! This give me hope that maybe I can make it work with Brian. The guy that she's seeing is tall, white and into music like Brian is. So why was I fussing over the littlest shit? Believe it or not, I wished Brian was home for me to go home to. Watching a movie with him 'till I fell asleep. I want this. And surprisingly he's someone I think I want this with.

I took my time and woke up this morning. During the week Brian asked me to dinner today, Indian food. He loves Indian food. So I called him and we set to meet at a restaurant near Union Square at 7pm. I came back to Manhattan and settled in for a bit. I also met Chiara's mom before heading out. I wore my cream flower dress with black tights and boots.

The first thing Brian said when we sat that was "You look amazing and smell really good." Such a charmer. I was super shy but as we continued talking I felt back to myself. After some amazing food and wine he asked me to go back to that beer brewery he took me to when we first met. I was so down, because I loved how everything was going. I ordered one more glass of wine and he had two beers. I couldn't help but say to myself, gosh he's so handsome. I'd be a fool to let go.

As he walked me back to my train, he waited with me until it came then.....he kissed me. It was a dry kiss but very tolerable. Why? Because it was soft and sensual. I didn't want to stop. It felt so good. I was...amazed.

As I got home, I got a text from him saying he got home and that I "truly are exquisite." This made me so happy.

For once, am I actually enjoying this guys company? Am I actually ready to see him again and see how far this will go? Will I lose interest as I have in the other men that I met? God, I hope not. I can only hope that this was it. That he is for me.

For now, it's one day at a time...

I gave it a shot and called Ian from OKC last night. I decided I was going to meet with him for an hour before I go to Labyrinth. The cool thing is, Paula actually met a guy at the gym just the other day and she was thinking to do the same exact thing. It's good, because an hour is just enough time for us to figure out whether we enjoy the company of who we're seeing or not. Plus, it doesn't put a strain on us to entertain the guy all night. And it's always great leaving them to want more ;)

So Paula and I planned it that we'd meet these fellas, separately in LES for an hour then walk to Labyrinth. (We picked LES so the commute would be easier for us.)

After work, I rushed home to grab Bella and her stuff. Paula is cat sitting for a week while Chiara's mom is in town (she's not crazy about cats) so I decided I would crash by Paula's for the night. Moreno's staying with JP for the week as well so we cabbed from home to JP, dropped Moreno off then I cabbed it to Paula's.

Getting ready, having our girl talks then we took the train to Manhattan. Brian actually texted me before we left, to have a good time. It made me feel warm inside. I actually liked that he did :)

Anyways, Paula and I split at Union Square.

I walked to where I was supposed to meet Ian at bar called The Blind Pig which was located on 14th Street bt 2nd and 3rd Avenue. It was 11:40pm. So I had an hour and 20 minutes to hang. I walked and saw him sitting by himself at the bar, with an empty seat next to him. It was the only empty seat next to a guy in the bar, so I could only assume it was him. He noticed me and smiled. I sat down as he ordered me a beer. We talked and talked and talked.....first about sports which I could give a shit about. Then about music, his background....etc. See, he's slightly above average for me to be attracted to. He has awesome hair, it's just.....eh. I didn't connect with him on that level I was hoping too. It just felt like meet with a good ol friend. He told me he cabbed it downtown to meet me and told me he'd go back uptown to meet his friends, which was cool. I'm glad he's make an effort to do at least that.

Paula texts me 20 minutes before 1am and said she left. It didn't go as great with her as she assumed it would be. She said it was so easy for her to say "Oh, well you know. I gotta go meet my friend, it's getting late." Which is totally bad, because usually when you're having a good time you would hesitate to make a comment like that.

So Ian walked with me on 14th to Avenue A. I had to go to Avenue C as he cabbed it back from Avenue A. I think we'll just be friends at this point.

As I walked to Labyrinth, I stopped by Otto's and passed by White Noise (which I contemplated on going in). As soon as I got to Labyrinth, Paula was there drinking her Sangria with Adrian and Michael. Jason, Ed, Jorge...etc was there too. It wasn't a good night for Rob though. There was another party at Absolution where there was a guest DJ and it totally killed his night. I felt bad. I hate seeing him so down like that, but he's OK.

So I danced with Ed here and there. He's adorable but I see him nothing more. Although we got a little touchy-grabby-"kissy on the cheeky" dancing, it's all that it was. As I sat down a few songs, watching some couples enjoying themselves with their significant others and one person came to mind that I actually thought about doing that with. It was Brian.

I just thought about having him there, cuddling with him with I go home...etc. What was wrong with me?! Just the other day I was thinking about the littlest things.

He was in my thoughts like...almost all night at Labyrinth. I envisioned partying with my friends then going home to see him, waiting for me (just like my ex Rob used to do). What was happening? Why these thoughts? Is this what I really want? I guess only time will tell.

As I left for the night with Paula, Ed and Sebastian took the train home with us. We didn't settle in until about 5ish. Rob actually came over too and crashed here.

This morning Paula left me here at her place because she had to go meet with her mom. She left me the keys to lock up before I left, as Rob left with her. Paula calls me and tells me her and Rob are back on. Rob told her he did love her, he was just scared and he wants her to meet his family. See, like all my friends are getting into these relationships. This feeling is something I want and I think I see Brian as that person (for now).

Ian texted me and said he had a good time with me. Granted I feel the same, but just not in that way. Brian also texted me. I was so straight forward with him telling him I had this urge to text him at 6am. So we're going to make plans today to meet for dinner tomorrow. I can't wait to see him again. I just hope I don't get back in to this feeling of wanting to push something good away as I nitpick at the littlest shit.

Tonight- It's me, Ami, Amanda and Kate. Dinner/drinks then party with the girls? First I have to get off this couch, shower, go to moms then back home to get ready.

And the day begins....

I met up with Mukesh Monday night at West 4th. Decided to take him to 1849, guess who forgot their ID? ;x

So we decided we'd take the cab to my place so that I can pick it up and right before I did some guy grabbed us to join a free comedy show. I explained my situation and he told me they're not checkin for ID's so I should be good. It was my first comedy show, and I had a great time. Got tipsy off of two beers. Mukesh's friend Dixon joined us. We had a lot of fun even after the show. I cabbed it home to get my ID then back to where they were. It was a beer pong spot a dive bar. Despite all those other guys hitting on me, Mukesh was still tryin to get my attention. Seemed like he wanted to kiss me when I went to talk to him. Anyways, we stayed till about 3am and Dixon was super sweet to drop me home. Because I sat in front, when I went to say bye to Mukesh so he can go in the front, we kissed and......no spark. But it was pleasant. IDK what the hell is wrong with me.

Anyways, after work tonight guess who I met....Brian! From OKC. Ok, so let me say that this is my first time meeting someone like that randomly. Met him at Union Square Park. He was super handsome and SUPER tall with green piercing eyes. We went to Max Brenner, the chocolate man. I was so scared that we'd have nothing to talk about but guess what? He is "Maurice" in the perfect guy I wanted. He's white, into the same music I came, veggie but won't force the idea down my throat, very smart, activist, cares for other except....he huffs a lot. Ok, not a lot but frequent. Like, I don't know if he has asthma. It KINDA turned me off, but his intellect is so on point. As we left, he asked me if I wanted to walk around Union Square park. He proceeded to tell me about his best friend from Bangladesh and how he likes Indian food and this law of attraction he believes in. SAME THOUGHTS and beliefs as mine! So surreal. So why was I nitpicking at the littlest things? Like him huffing? Why am I so picky for bullshit? Anyways, we went to a Brewery and had wine and appetizer. He told me how he liked Indian girls, how much like M.I.A I look like and how she's totally his type. He was like, nailing each nail on the head. I was totally started to see how life would be like with him if I were to let go of little bullshit I keep thinking.

He waited until the R train came for me. We hugged a bit before the train arrived and you know when a balloon expands? Well, its how it felt when I hugged him and I can feel like some kind of stretch in his back and moan and he breathed in and out. Should I be bothered by this? I know no one is perfect but why is this annoying me??? I need to stop. Please, I don't need another Maurice situation.

It's like, here is this AWESOME HANDSOME SEXY guy. Everything I wanted. A white guy, into rock, shares the same interests as I....and here I am getting turned off by the LITTLEST THING. Maybe I'm the problem.

I totally feel like this is a test. Like God is giving me what I need. Just testing to see if I am ready. I have to make myself ready. Really I do.

So anyways, he tried to kiss me when the train came. It was like a light tap on the lips. It felt nice but I was sooo shy. I texted him when I got home and it seemed like he was totally into me. He said he's free tomorrow and Friday! I think I'll meet him more later this week. I need to let go of this shallow habit of mine that I have.

I need to accept it.

BTW- Jeremy texted me to come to H.E. I told him I was under the weather. It truly only does seem like he just texts me when he has a party. Or I'm apart of his textin list. Whatever it may be, I think he's glad I show my face. Eh, he's cute wth. I'll keep it as friends.

OH and Christopher (TJ's brother) asked me to come by Flushing Friday night to play pool with him and some old friends. I may pass by. It's Labyrinth that night and Ami said she's coming out. Maybe I should spend the night by mom? We'll see.

Netflix then bed. Going to look for Eat, Pray, Love and think of Brian as James Franco in the movie. Because it's exactly how he is and maybe it'll give me courage to accept him.

Goodnight.

I totally forgot to say what I did on Wednesday night, as well as these past few days. So here's the re-cap:

Wednesday- After work I had beer with Paula. Killed time with her before I met Omar at Union Square. It's been so long since I seen him. We met at Crooked Disco at Public Assembly when I went with Justin and Matty. Since then, we became so cool. Bar hopping and stuff. So we trained it to Essex Street and went to this mini spot that served $2 PBR's! Awesome, right? It also was his friends birthday so we went to Ella and had one drink. Then we went to R bar. Jeremy texted me to go and boy was it SUPER dead. We actually ran into another group of Omar's friends which was cool. Jeremy peeked over the DJ booth and slipped me a drink ticket. It seemed like he was happy to see me. We then took off and walked to the R train. I didn't get home till about 12ish. It defiantly was nice meeting with an old friend who obviously has the hots for me, but wouldn't cross that barrier.

Thursday- As you know it was Moreno's bday, the day I called out. Jeremy texted me again and asked me to come out. I told him it was my roommates bday and he told me have fun and tell my friend "happy birthday :)" So that was that.

Friday- I after work, I packed my bags and went straight to Paula's. Moreno and Chiara fell asleep watching Sponge Bob and I didn't wanna wake them. I texted Chiara telling her we were going to Berlin. So I got to Paula's, we watched a movie and got dressed and took the train. It wasn't so bad. I did meet someone. His name is John and his friend was a drummer at Berlin so he came to show support. It was more of a forced convo cause I was bored. He bought me a drink, we chit chatted and exchanged numbers. Nothing serious.

Saturday- Woke up and went to see mom. It was Evi's bday in Jersey and I had to shower, do my hair and nails. I was in a rush! Ray picked us up and drove us to Uncle Adam where we crammed into a 4 door car. Me, mom, Aunty Maggie, Aunty Pearly, Uncle Adam and Debbie drove. Jeremy asked me to come to Beauty Bar but I told him I had to come to Jersey. I promised I would see him at Happy Ending. I hope I make that promise :/ The bday party was fun. This lady who knew me since I was little wanted to set me up with her son, haha. Other then that, I danced with Deb majority of the night. Can you believe, she had the nerve to ask me when was the last time I spoke to Natasha? Pssh. Like she didn't know. Anyways, I'm just trying to show a nice face so I just simply said "Oh it was a while, on facebook." And that was that.

Sunday- It was raining. Slept over moms the night before and Gavin came to pick me up and drove me to the city. Another good friend, another good convo. We talked in front my house for another hour after. It was nice to know he supports me. Although I know he likes me, he instills a lot in me. I'm grateful for our friendship. Went upstairs and chit chatted with Chiara and Moreno. They updated me on Necro and what I missed out. Paula actually went with Rob. I wish I went :/

Monday (today)- I missed work. I need to do more with myself. So I've been chatting with Mukesh a bit and I'm supposed to meet him now around Bleecker for some drinks and food? I hope he doesn't make me feel a fool again. After his mom passed away, I've made the effort to be his friend and we've kept in contact ever since. Speaking of which, I need to leave before I get late.

Why do I have butterflies....?

I decided I wouldn't work yesterday morning. Besides the fact that I woke up the time I was supposed to leave my house, I was in no position to take a cab to work. Nevertheless, can I afford it. I called Thomas and told him I was sick and asked him if Safi can watch my desk. Can you believe I slept until 2pm?! Yeah, this totally needs to stop. I need to start waking up earlier and make coffee in the morning.

It was Moreno's birthday and Chiara went to Whole Food's to get ingredients to make his favorite fruit cake. I went to visit mom at Port Authority (ended up picking up some dress - smh) and she lent me some money. I picked up a Sponge Bob balloon and card because Moreno likes Sponge Bob :)

By the time I got home, Paula was over helping Chiara in the kitchen and I bumped into Michael in the elevator. John Paul came 15 minutes after. Last but not least, came Moreno. He was so happy that we did this for him. Good times with good company. Paula and JP left around 10-11pm. Moreno wanted to go out, so him, Chiara and Michael went to White Noise. I'm not crazy about that scene, plus I had work in the AM so I didn't bother to go.

Jeremy texted me and asked if I was up to come to LIT, but I told him it was a friends bday and we were having dinner. I said I would I see him Tuesday. His response was "Awesome. Tell your friend happy birthday!"

Came into work and caught up to everything I had missed. I also heard Safi got into a confrontation with Liz and almost made Liz cry. Safi then stormed out the office and when Peter tried to call she wouldn't pick up. That bitch then proceeded to email Peter and tell him to get rid of Liz, "we don't need another Mary." Peter showed Paula this and Paula told me. She told me not to worry because Peter knows how she is. Screw her.

I also found TJ's brother on Facebook. I didn't know he was my age all this time, and he grew up into a tall handsome guy. He's also into metal music, how awesome is that?!

Well, I'm currently at Paula's. We're going to Berlin then I'm crashing here. From here, I'll go do my taxes then go see mom. Tomorrow I'll be seeing Evita and her sisters in Jersey. It should be nice.

So yesterday around 3 PM I get a text from Jeremy saying "Come to HE tonight. I feel like we should spend more quality time together." Dude, really? Now, I know this isn't a mass text...or I could be wrong. I truly wasn't planning to go, but life's been so dull. Lack luster and blurry. So what the heck. Boy toy, eye candy. Whatever.

After work, winded down and watched Netflix. Vittoria came up. We all had chicken soup. I got ready and headed out. It was nice weather and I got there in time for the drink special. As soon as I saw Jeremy, I waved. He reached over the booth to give me a kiss on cheek. Then he said "You smell realllly good!" (Thank you Chiara for the oil musk!)

Got my drink and guess who I bumped into? ALEX! From France. I haven't seen him since I used to hang out with Anton. We used to take the J train back together on the way home because he lived in Brooklyn. Sweet guy.

Valerie was there. We started dancing and she introduced me to soooo many people. It was awesome, they all were super nice. Tall and attractive guys and girls. Twig was there too. He looked so dapper!

The night carried on, we dance with a loooot of random people. So cool. And as I was dancing, there was tall guy in a black leather jacket. Just sipping his drink, glaring at me and smiling. After catching his eye a few times I walked up to him and told him he should take a picture. It'll last longer. Well that made him smile :)

His name is Matthais. He' from Austria and has been all around the world. He's 29, originally from LA. Came to New York to film a commercial for 8 days. He leaves in a week. We talked the rest of the night. I saw Jeremy by the bathroom and I'm sure he saw me with Matthais and a phone in his hand. Not sure if he thought anything of it, but whatever. We exchanged numbers. His face was close to mine for conversation. Eventually we left together....but it's not what you think.

Jeremy wasn't around for me to say bye, as usual. So I just walked Matthais to his hotel, which was a good few blocks away, but it was nice to have arm candy walking in the streets of LES. His hotel was around Chinatown. I told him to K.I.T and before I went to grab the cab we kissed.

I haven't kissed a guy since....Matthew. Wow. That was long. He kissed me very softly. It felt nice. And before I got in the cab, we kissed again. This probably won't amount to anything, but it was fun for the night. And I hope to keep in touch. I texted Jeremy it was nice to see him with kisses at the end of the text. He responded "It was nice seeing you too!!" ......Oook?

Whatever.

Paula wants to grab one drink after work today. Feeling adventurous I texted Omar and asked him to hang too. So I'll meet with Omar after Paula. Maybe go to R Bar? I know Jeremy is DJing tonight. Good thing I walked with my red lipstick in my bag. Should I tell him I'll go? Unless he texts me I will. But I just may surprise him....