I know I haven't updated in a while, but I promise to be more consistent. Life caught up and to be honest, I just got lazy. Let's take it from this past weekend:

Friday after work, I went for happy hour with Paula, Chris and Raquel. Because of Chris's situation with Princeton House and Brownstone Lane, we decided to take him for a few drinks. On the way home, I decided to stay in. I watched a movie on Netflix then went to bed. Chiara went to the Red Party for a little bit but came home early.

Saturday morning I had an appointment with Paula at the spa in Astoria. Her boyfriend got her a massage package for her birthday. I decided to meet up with her and while she was getting her massage, I decided to get a mani and pedi. By the time she was out, we called Rachel (comic book Rachel) to come meet us for brunch.

Rachel took us to this fantastic Italian spot in Astoria. It was called Il Bambino. I'll defiantly plan to go back soon.

After brunch, we went to Ricky's and did a little shopping then we all split off to head home. On the way home, Matty texts me. He asked me if I was hangin. I really wanted to see him. I told him I wanted to go home, relax, shower off then head out to Williamsburg where he lives. As I was getting ready, around 10:30ish, he told me he had friends over and told me to come over. Paula had text me and told me she was in the area with Rob. So I decided to meet with them for a bit then meet Matty later, as he was still doing his laundry.

I met with Paula and Rob at this rooftop spot called Juliet. It was nice. Right off of Bedford. I texted Matty to let him know I was around. So after one drink, we left Juliet and went to a place called Blackbird. They were playing the Smiths, that's what really drew us in.

Matty ended up coming with both his roomies and his friend from Louisiana. Because I had both set of friends on opposite sides of the bar, I was splitting myself to go back and forth. They found a table, so they didn't bother to come where we were standing by the bar. Whatever.

After a shot of Jameson and a Stella, we decided to walk around. I told Rob and Paula I was leaving. We walked down the block to get Pizza and found no happening spots. The girls wanted to leave and head back home. Matty and I didn't. So we exchanged goodbyes and Matty and I went to a bar around the corner.

I have to say, it was so nice to have him to myself. We were at the bar and I bought him two shots and beer. We both were a little tipsy, sharing laughs and the touchy feely playful jokes came into play. We left the bar around 3ish. Walked down the block with his arm over my shoulder. I had no idea where we were heading, but I had a clue that we'd go back to his place.

The 4 blocks to his house seemed so far, but I guess that's because we were having so much fun just laughing and pushing each other. We like, walked into Duane Reade. For no reason what so ever. It was so funny.

Anyways, before we got to his place, we picked up Coors Light at the corner deli. His roommates were totally knocked out. Matt and I play fought in the kitchen like we were two kids all the way to his room. When we got to his room, he just plotted straight into bed. We were play fighting a bit and got a little close. I was teasing him because he knew I was going to kiss him. He just didn't know when. He kept saying "Kiss me..." I wanted to hear him beg. When I gave in, it was SO OVER. I don't know what happened first. I do know, the lights were on the whole time.

I remember the past two times we hooked up, I wasn't prepared. So I never shaved. This time, I did. As soon as he touched me, he told "OK, this has to come off. I want to taste you right now." It all happened so fast. While he was in me, he told me I was tight. That's a good thing, I supposed. He's so gentle, every moan he kept asking if I was OK. When it was over, I felt so rude because I'm sure I totally knocked out. I woke up with Iggy at the foot of our bed and Matty hugging me.

I missed it so much. Just....him. He's only my friend obviously but I love how he just takes care of me. I was thinking about last night when I woke up and I remember him telling me "Please don't hurt me Mary. I like you a lot. Do you like me???" I hope those were drunk words. But it felt good to know he said it.

I must have used the bathroom like 3 times that morning. I wrapped myself in his towel and joined him in bed. He kept kissing my head and hugging me. When he got up, my hangover totally kicked in. My head was pounding. Matty started drinking a beer, his roomies were up already and they wanted to go to the beach. Matty brought me water and pills. He kept coming in the room to check up on me. The whole time, Iggy was on me. So adorable, his poodle.

Matt convinced me to go to Coney Island with everyone. I felt better once I put my clothes on and did my hair. My makeup still was on, so I was OK. I grabbed an iced coffee at the deli and we headed out. Took the Q train to the last stop.

It was so nice out. Matt looked super hot when he was wet and came out the water to sit next to me. It was a great afternoon, well spent and I'm super glad I went out with them.

Long story short, we stayed there for a bit then headed out to leave. We all lost each other on the way back. So I ended up taking the train myself. I couldn't even call them because my phone was dead! When I got home to charge my phone, I saw Matty left me text. He said "Hey Mary Mary, I'm so sorry! I missed the train with everyone in it and I thought you were with the group. I just found out you're not. Please don't be mad!" I love that he was so considerate. I called him right away to explain what happened and that I got home OK.

I may meet him tomorrow. He lent me $10 to pay for my Daquri. He told me I could get him next time, but by the time next time comes around, I'll forget. And I need to pay him back. I just feel like I do.

Overall, it was a great weekend. I wish I can have more nights like this with him. But I guess it makes it much more special being that its not. For now, I'll leave it be.

Back to work tomorrow, ugh. Time to get some rest, goodnight!

Last minute, last night we (Monica, Chiara, Michael, Erick and Spaz) all decided to go to QXT's. I felt like I wanted to do something punky so guess what? I had Chiara cut the top of my hair into a mohawk. I can't believe I decided to go through with this, but I needed to try something new.

We all got dressed. Erick met us at our apt and Michael came with Spaz and Monica to pick us up. Sometime ago, Chiara left her bottle of Jack in the back of Michael's car. Since it was still there, we all decided to drink it.

Erick got me jack and cokes all night. We went to basement and danced some really good goth. It was super crowded and there were so many people! Good vibes. Good times.

So while I was dancing in the basement, I felt my buzz kicking in. It felt so good. Then I saw him....

Last time I came to QXT's there was a really tall guy, long hair in a pony (hispanic looking) that caught my eye. The way he danced really got me. He was so smooth. I didn't get his name that night, but while I was dancing in the basement he was there by the doorway. It seemed like he was alone for a while (until I saw his friends came later). I was hopping around to all the rooms and decided I would stay on the main floor because they played some really good 80's.

As I was dancing by myself, I saw him get on the dancefloor too. It was obvious that he was into me because the minute he saw me dancing on the dancefloor, he started dancing face to face with me. Erick kept coming along. Like, I love him. He's a my friend, but he talks SO DAMN MUCH. I just want to dance. Not to mention, I didn't want this guy to to go away. I kept trying to push Erick away. Like, doesn't he get it??? Whatever.

After dancing a few songs with him, I decided to ask him for his name. His name is Gabriel and he's from Elizabeth NJ. He was the one to ask me for my number after we chatted for a bit while dancing. He was such a gentleman about it. He said, "So, MaryAnn from Battery Park, would it be ok if I had your number?" I totally accepted. We exchanged numbers as I excused myself to the bathroom.

I came back on the dancefloor and saw they turned the lights on. I was slightly disappointed. I wanted more time to dance with this guy. So the last two songs I danced with Monica and Chiara. We all exited and I said by to Gabriel. He told me he had a good time and would really like to take me out sometime. Somewhere different then here. WOW. I couldn't believe this was happening.

So this guy is 100% pretty boy goth that I like, but I feel so drawn to him. I don't know what it is. I told him I would like that and he told me he drove. I told him to get home safe and I headed back with my friends to NY.

Because parties in NJ ended early, we decided to go to Pyramid. We danced for a bit until it closed. That crazy guy Daniel was there. I guess Spaz had some unfinished business with this guy, because he totally punched him in the face! All I kept hearing was Spaz say get away from me. And after he hit him, he said, "That one's for Bobbie Jean." Bobbie dated Daniel. Daniel isn't right in his head. This guy seriously is a danger to everyone because he's not in his right mind.

Then Jason from Absolution and Spaz had it out. Spaz was blowing him up saying things about Jason's Friday night...etc. I pulled Spaz and walked him around the block. I tried to calm him down. He told me he thought his hand was broken, so I told Chiara to meet us around the block.

Spaz seemed a little better but his hand wasn't. It really must have been a hard punch because Daniel's skin broke and he started bleeding. We all came back to our place. Ordered food and then I went to sleep. I woke up and saw everyone crashed over then went back to sleep to see they all had left.

T'was eventful night, indeed...

Went to Mad River for Benny's bday. I didn't want to tell his brother how I felt. It seemed to awkward. I tried to make eye contact, but I guess he took it as me being friendly. Plus, he was sorta hangin with a girl that was giving him attention so, I guess she won it. It would probably be to awkward to tell him I actually like him, so I'll wait it out.

While we were all having drinks and dancing, I was having a convo with one of there girls there. We were talking about relationships. Although she is married, she told me she truly admires me for being single and strong. Honestly, I think for me this is a curse.

She told me the minute she got married and didn't pay any mind to guys, that's when they came around. She said the key thing is to act like you're in a relationship because when she told herself she was done, that's when she found her husband. It was good conversing with her. I love networking and hearing of other peoples experiences.

The bday boy got really trashed, so we all left early. Chris earlier, offered me a comp ticket to SMACK! I really wanted to see him, so I decided to go. Waiting outside for him, he didn't text back. I was hoping to not have wasted a cab ride there, because I REFUSE to pay $35 to get in. Outside, I met with Bobbie and Arlette.

When I got to the line, Mandana was out. I told her I was waiting for Chris because he comped me. She just gave me the ticket and told me to go in. She was super sweet to have done that without waiting for Chris to come out.

I hung out with Arlette and boys. I love the lavish lifestyle she lives. All she does is give these guys attention and she gets money from them. It was a crazy fetish party. The 1st time I been there, it was awesome. Some guy asked me massage his feet. I kindly declined. He then asked if he could massage my hands.....eh. So I let him. Then, I saw Chris. He looked like he was looking for someone.

He went upstairs and I followed him. When he saw me, he gave me the warmest hug and apologized. He told me he didn't have his phone with him. After small talk, I introduced him to Arlette and Bobbie.

We got on the dancefloor and danced. (Boy, does he dance so well!) Then we went upstairs to chat and his friend Glitch kneeled on the floor. He told Chris to tell me I was beautiful. Super sweet guy, not to mention MAJOR attractive. He had this black metal look. Chris kept hinting if I wanted a drink (as in, let's leave) but for some odd reason I was like, drawn to be around Glitch. We hung out talking for a bit, Paulee came over.

Throughout the night, like 3 guys told me they liked my legs. It was soooo wild. Anyways, I was so ready to go. Chris had to run around for a bit so I told him I would go upstairs and sit down. I sat next to Glitch. He was telling me about living in Philly, his (awesome) piercings, his hair..etc. We talked so much. He was teasing me telling me, Chris is mine and I have to fight him for Chris.

I also had a chance to speak to Bobbie. She told me, so what's up with you and boy wonder? He seems so charming and he is EXTREMELY handsome. I couldn't agree more. I told her my situation and how I felt inside. She told me to stop thinking and just feel. It's the only way. She gave me advise like an older sister. Sweet ol' Bobbie. I love her!

And so, before we left I said bye to Glitch. Told him I would add him on facebook and he told me to "take care of his little brother." It seems to me that the couples in that scene are swingers. I'm sure Glitch was there was with his girlfriend as well.

When we left, we grabbed two beers and a sandwich from the corner deli and cabbed it home. Chris paid for everything! We got home, Chiara told me we had company over. Spaz, Michael and Chris came over. Chiara went straight to bed and so did I.

Everyone left. I got to say, having Chris crash over, hugging me all night.....it felt like good old times. I missed it. I missed that comfort. When we woke up, I made coffee and he ran downstairs to get bagels at the store for me. I made him breakfast and we talked about last night. It was so wonderful. I felt so happy inside again. So comfortable, yet.....not so complete.

After breakfast, Chiara woke up. We decided to lay down in bed and watch a movie. I snuggled against him, while him and Chiara watched the movie. It was so nice to have him there. So much so, it sorta made me sad when we left.

He had to go back to Brooklyn. I packed my laundry and like a real man, he carried my laundry for me to the 2nd floor. He always threw away the garbage. This charming man...

I'm sure I'll be seeing him again, real soon.

Re-cap

It's been so long since I posted an entry here.

Life. It caught up to me and I found myself trapped in middle of this tornado. It was like I was standing in the middle, completely still. Not moving. All the while, everything around me became a blur. I was numb. I couldn't move. Why? What gives people the motive to keep moving forward?

Granted I have wonderful times with my friends, I just can't find myself to feel anything that they're feeling while in the moment. Sometimes, I think I fake it just to get by.

Over the past couple weeks, I went to the Neptunes Beach Club in the Hamptons, dinner dates with the girls and dating around. It's just that everywhere I go, there is this feeling on my back that I can't rid myself from. It won't leave. It follows me, until I'm vulnerable to let it in.

I need to find salvation but I just don't know where to begin....