In Retrospect.

It's been approximately 2 years and 6 months today since I decided to post an entry. Looking back at my previous posts I don't get why I've allowed myself to stress over the littlest things. I guess I'm still continuing to climb up that ladder.

My ex-boy friend Rob eventually got into another relationship. Granted I did care for him, but just not in that way that "lovers" do. So I'm actually pretty much happy that he found someone he can share that with. I know he has a lot to give, I just didn't have enough in me to return it back because in the beginning I was the one fighting to keep it together. I harbor no hate from this. I genuinely hope he's happy because I wasn't able to give it back to him.

Which has led me to where I am now. Stuck. In the middle of no where. My sense of direction is lost. Encountered many hookups, flings but none with the full potential of a relationship. I found myself to be comfortably numb after so long. I love the fact that I am fully capable of controlling my feelings, but I think it's gotten to this point when I'm the creator of the block in my roads.

I've met a few guys who have it all together but I stopped pursuing them. I stopped calling them. I didn't have a lust for a relationship at times. But when I'm surrounded by friends who are with their spouses, I do.

As much as I want a relationship, it scares me to the brink that my happiness would be with one person....and one day, at any given moment, our hearts can change the way it feels.

I'm indeed grateful for the 4 years I been with Rob, because it's taught me a lot. I do miss what we have at times but I know he wasn't for me. I regret how I treated him at times. Pushing him away when he wanted to be intimate, getting up in the middle of the night to get me things to drinks, run to the store to get me feminine needs....all this makes me so sad. Because he always tried to save what we had in the end by saying, "Why are you letting this go? Don't you understand how hard it is to find someone that will care for you?"

It's hitting me now. It's hurting and it burns.

But I've moved out of Queens. I live with Chiara and her friend Moerno from Italy in Battery Park, Manhattan. I've been hitting the Goth scene pretty hard and it's sucked me in. I don't know where I would be without her though. She's helping me out so much by letting me pay half of what I was paying in Queens and the commute to work is only 20 minutes. She's very spiritual and helpful in a sense that she teachs me to control my energy.

To get out of it, she signed both of us up for bellydancing classes. We still have yet to pick the dates but we'll discuss it soon. We go out periodically and I love every moment of it, because I can wear black and be dramatic without the looks and stares from the guys in Queens.

At the end of the day, I just want someone to kick it with though. But maybe I need to keep myself occupied. Hopefully it will all fall into place.

Only time will tell....